Rock and hard place - What would you do?
I have two cousins who are brothers and have been estranged from each other for many years. They used to live in the same home town as me many years ago but both moved to another city in another part of Canada. The younger brother and I were close friends then and are still close now but not as close due to distance and age.
The older brother just passed away and I found of his passing from other relatives but was told it was the wishes of the brother and his wife that his younger brother not be told of his passing. I want to tell his younger brother of his passing but am torn between keeping the older brother's wish and my loyalty to the younger brother.
I very much value the relationship with my younger cousin and do not want to jeopardize it but also do not want to go against the wishes of the deceased brother and his wife.
What do I do - what would you do? Thank you all so much for your replies.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by redo on -
No rock. No hard place.
It is not part of your role as a friend to deliver news that is not being sought by the one brother nor desired to be delivered by the other. The distant brother clearly had no interest in informing your friend and your friend has not been interested enough to make inquiries regarding his brother. You should have no interest in inserting yourself into this situation and it is certainly not your responsibility.
Should your friend inquire of you regarding the status of his brother however, you would be acting proper to tell the truth without embellishment. You are not obligated to lie to anyone and certainly not to preserve the vindictiveness of the distant brother.
In brief, keep your mouth shut unless asked.
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Permalink Reply by Jim Smith on -
Thank you Redo for your clear and unequivicol response.
Just to clarify, I am the cousin of both brothers but quite close to the surviving brother, if this changes your comments at all. In light of all the above info. does the surviving brother at least have ther right of being told his brother has passed away? Thanking you in advance for your reply.
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Permalink Reply by Jill K on -
I have 2 cousins in an almost similar situation. Both cousins are dear to me. I would tell. You bet I would.
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Permalink Reply by Jim Smith on
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Jill K said:I have 2 cousins in an almost similar situation. Both cousins are dear to me. I would tell. You bet I would.
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Permalink Reply by Jim Smith on
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Jim Smith said: You would tell the brother even if the brother who passed away said he doesn't want his brother told about his passing?
Jill K said:I have 2 cousins in an almost similar situation. Both cousins are dear to me. I would tell. You bet I would.
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Permalink Reply by Jim Smith on
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Would you still tell the brother even if his deceased brother (both my cousins) said he doesn't want his brother told about his passing???
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Permalink Reply by Jill K on
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Yes, I would. It is no secret to be dead. The obit is in at least one newspaper. Imagine your cousin finds out another way and you have to tell him: Yes, I know your brother died. It is a very strange request in the first place. He is dead and cannot accuse you of breaking a promise. Forget about the wife.
Personally, I would not have given such a promise. If there was no other way, I would have given in and promised, knowing full well that I would not keep that ridiculous promise.
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Permalink Reply by Jim Smith on
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Thank you everyone for your thoughtful and meaningful advice. I have told my cousin of his brother's passing and he is very appreciative. In the end, the living cousin has a right to know and as you note Jill K it would be awkward when we talk if he found out from another source.Thank you so much again to everyone.
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