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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 88
Latest Activity: 6 hours ago

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Comment by Lynne G. 6 hours ago

Toooo funny, Dennis, thanks!!

Comment by Dennis Moeller 6 hours ago

JEWISH MOTHER 

The year is 2020 and theUnited States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" 

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." 

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York ."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to 

 

  ITALIAN  MOTHER

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replies: "I don't like her."

 

 

 

Comment by Dennis Moeller 6 hours ago

vv

JEWISH MOTHER 

The year is 2020 and theUnited States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" 

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." 

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York ."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York ; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States??"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

 

 

 

 

 

Comment by Lynne G. 7 hours ago

Good old Johnny...thanks, Yvonne!

Comment by Lynne G. 7 hours ago
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced it's way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,

"Will I be acquitted?"

For some reason, wives tend to like this joke .
 
Comment by Yvonne 22 hours ago

JUSTIN TRUDEAU VISITS A SCHOOL 

Justin Trudeau was visiting a primary school in Lanark and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Trudeau if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our Liberal Leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.


One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Trudeau, "that would be an accident."


A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Trudeau. "That's what we would call great loss."


The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trudeau searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"


Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.


In a quiet voice he said: "If a plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."


"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trudeau, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"


"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room.

 

Comment by Lynne G. yesterday
An  Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor
that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask
forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
 
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
 
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
 
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
 
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
Give me an Amen brothers and sisters!
Comment by harold yardy on Wednesday


 
The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million.
The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking?  Maybe its better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.


  

Moral :Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank . Give a person
Comment by harold yardy on Wednesday
The morality of dishonesty.
Robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.”
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.


 
One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.
The robber approached her saying, " Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.


 
While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole." ?
The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.


 
After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:
"Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen."
"Wait”, said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity. 


 
The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million.

Comment by Lynne G. on Wednesday

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite
> crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in
> the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his
> table, asked
> him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned
> to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
>
> He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
> After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a
> napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded,
> so he ordered
> a glass of wine for her.
>
> After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and
> drew a picture of a plate with food on it,
> and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a
> small group playing romantic music.
>
> They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture
> of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until
> the cafe closed
> and the band was packing up.
>
> Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
> four-poster bed.
>
> To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture
> business.

 

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