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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 87
Latest Activity: 4 hours ago

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Comment by Yvonne France 4 hours ago

THE RUGGED OUTDOOR WOMAN

During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level.

The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical;

  • I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.

  • I waded along the edge of a lake.

  • I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles.

  • I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.

  • I barely avoided stepping on a snake.

  • I climbed several rocky hills.

  • I went to the bathroom behind some big trees.

  • Ran away from an irate mother bear and then

  • Ran away from one angry bull elk.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.
Amazed by the story, the doctor said,

"You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"
”No," the woman replied,

"I'm just a really, really shitty golfer".

Comment by Dennis Moeller 6 hours ago

v

 
The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper
 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never 
have to testify in court.
 
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million,
he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
 
The Godfather tells the lawyer,  "Ask him where the money is."
 
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
 
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
 
The lawyer tells the Godfather"He says he doesn't know what you
are talking about." 
 
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
 
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
 
Guido trembles and signs back,  "OK! OK!,  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
 
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
 
The lawyer replies,"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Comment by Lynne G. 9 hours ago

That sounds about right, Dennis!  ha ha

Comment by Dennis Moeller 10 hours ago

Difference Between Men and Women
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
2. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
3. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
4. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
9. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.
10. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Comment by Lynne G. 11 hours ago
 
A blonde was teeing off,
 
when she took a big swing and fell.

 
One of the group waiting behind her quickly stepped forward and helped her to her  feet.

 
She thanked him and started to leave,
 
when he said,
 
  "I'm Justin Trudeau and I hope you'll vote Liberal 
in the next  election."

 
She laughed and quickly said:
 
"I fell on my arse, not my head!"
 
Comment by Lynne G. 11 hours ago

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

 

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

 

It's people like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"

 

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Comment by Lynne G. 12 hours ago

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, and I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

 

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired a consulting firm to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

 

He lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned said that we can also save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our ‘you-know-what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

 

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

 

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 

Comment by Lynne G. 12 hours ago

What is the difference between girls/women
aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
 
 
***********************************************************************************

At 8

 
You take her to bed and tell her a story
 
***********************************************************************************

At 18

 
You tell her a story and take her to bed
 
 
***********************************************************************************

At 28

 
You don't need to tell her a story
to take her to bed
 
 
***********************************************************************************

At 38 
 
She tells you a story and takes you to bed
 
***********************************************************************************

At 48

 
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed
 
***********************************************************************************

At 58

 
You stay in bed to avoid her story
 
***********************************************************************************

At 68

 
If you take her to bed, that'll be a story
 
***********************************************************************************

At 78

What story? What bed?
Who the hell are you?
 

Comment by Lynne G. 12 hours ago

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"


 

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Audi’s and voted for Obama."


   

Comment by Lynne G. 17 hours ago

From Richard

A new word for Seniors......!

Exhaustipated

This is a handy word for us seniors, I find I am using it more and more.

Use it when you are too tired to give a shit.

I love this new word - I even like pronouncing it!!!

 

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Community Activity

Yvonne France commented on Annette Tilden's group THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD
"THE RUGGED OUTDOOR WOMAN During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors. "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a…"
4 hours ago
Dennis Moeller commented on Annette Tilden's group THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD
"v   The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper   A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that…"
6 hours ago
alexander Mollison commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"Tuesdays ''ones'' "
8 hours ago
Glady Dixon commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"Laura52   I am sure Phil will enjoy the supper you have for him when he finishes work. "
8 hours ago

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