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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 90
Latest Activity: 6 hours ago

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Comment by harold yardy 6 hours ago

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply, so they had the cow shipped over. The new cow was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.


The townsfolk bought a bull to mate with the cow, to get more cows, so they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull made, the cow would move away from the bull and was never able to do the deed.

 

The people were very upset and decided to talk to the Vet, describing that whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the side, she walks away to the other side.

 

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully. After pondering the problem for a while, he asked, "Did you by chance, purchase this cow from Scotland?"

 

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned that they had brought the cow from Scotland.

 

"You are truly a very intelligent Vet", they said, "How did you know the cow came from Scotland?"

 

The Vet replied with a very distant look in his eye, "My wife's from Scotland."

Comment by Lynne G. 19 hours ago
    A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
 
"What would you like, sir?"
 
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
 
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
 
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
 
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
 
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away.
 
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, " Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
 
Comment by Lynne G. 20 hours ago
In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.                                 
The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a
bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail
Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to
have one last talk with their spiritual leader..
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom
before you leave us"
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."  
Comment by Yvonne yesterday

LYNNE --- LOL those are really great LOL

Comment by Yvonne yesterday

I thought this one was kinda cute …

Forget the Dark side.

Come to the Nerd side. 

We have Pi. (Not a typo, the math equal to 3.14)  LOL

Comment by Lynne G. yesterday
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for a  very long, sometimes indefinite period of time.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.



Comment by Lynne G. yesterday

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Comment by Lynne G. on Saturday

For sure...hahahahahaha

Comment by Keith on Saturday

Lynne,

After that stunt that cowboy is going without even if when the egg timer is broken!

Comment by Lynne G. on Saturday
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, “These feel just like your sister's."
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.
 

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"The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply, so they had the cow shipped over. The new cow was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone…"
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