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Comment by Lowell Brandon 11 minutes ago

Men Are Like...

Mascara -  they usually run at the first sign of emotions.

Bike helmets -  they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

Government bonds - they take so long to mature.

Copiers - you need them in reproductions but that's about it.

 

Lava lamps -  fun to look at but not that all bright.

Bank accounts - without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

High heels -  they're easy to walk on once you get a hang of it.

Curling irons - they're always hot and always in your hair.

Mini skirts - if your not carefully they'll creep up your legs.

Handguns - keep one around long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it.

Comment by Norma 5 hours ago

Last night at midnight, former Congressman Anthony Weiner officially announced in an online video that he is running for mayor of New York. Nothing says 'I put my sleazy past behind me' like showing a video on the Internet at midnight." –Conan O'Brien

"During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener." –Conan O'Brien

Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after midnight – and being online in the middle of the night has always worked so well for Mr. Weiner." –Jay Leno

"Weiner said about the city, 'Nobody will work harder to make it better.' As opposed to his first campaign promise, which was 'Nobody will work better to make it harder.'" –Jay Leno

"Everything's going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama's trying to turn things around. He's sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber's monkey." –David Letterman

"And if SEAL Team 6 doesn't work, he's sending in Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

 

"A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In November, Colorado passed an amendment that legalized the recreational use of marijuana. It's resulted in a surge of 'pot tourism.' People come for the weekend to smoke pot and the next thing they know, it's 30 years later they're still there working in a carbon-neutral coffee shop." –Jimmy Kimmel

 

 

 

Comment by Lowell Brandon yesterday

Both, Norma.  We have the same taste in jokes, AND I posted on the wrong site.  I'm two for two on this one.  I must have been sleepy when I did that.  LOL.  Even the mighty Lowell needs sleep sometime!  Zzzzz.....

Comment by Norma yesterday

Hey Lowell: Do we have exact the same taste in jokes or you just pasted on the wrong place, haha...

Comment by Lowell Brandon on Wednesday

IRS: No one needs to avoid scandals more than you. You’re less popular with Americans than exercise." –Seth Meyers

 

"Really, Tea Party? Really? You’re surprised that you’re targeted by the IRS? You named yourself after a group of people who proudly and historically violated tax laws! Look, if I had a vanity license plate that said 'Weed 420,' I might expect to get pulled over now and then." –Amy Poehler

 

"And really, politics aside, should we be surprised that the IRS takes special attention to the tax forms of the Tea Party? Judging from the terrible spelling on their protest signs, attention to detail isn’t really their thing." –Seth Meyers

 

"Prince Harry this week toured the Jersey Shore with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. It was the first meeting between the Prince of the House of Windsor, and the Governor, of the House of Pancake.'" –Amy Poehler

 

"The Obama administration is experiencing multiple scandals, and the Republicans are having multiple orgasms. Three scandals at once? Rush Limbaugh today said, 'I feel like I'm on Oxycontin again.'" –Bill Maher

 

"Conservative groups told congressmen that they experienced long delays and were asked to answer unusually detailed questions. They said they felt like black people trying to vote in Florida." –Bill Maher on the Tea Party groups targeted by the IRS

Comment by Norma on Wednesday

IRS: No one needs to avoid scandals more than you. You’re less popular with Americans than exercise." –Seth Meyers

 

"Really, Tea Party? Really? You’re surprised that you’re targeted by the IRS? You named yourself after a group of people who proudly and historically violated tax laws! Look, if I had a vanity license plate that said 'Weed 420,' I might expect to get pulled over now and then." –Amy Poehler

 

"And really, politics aside, should we be surprised that the IRS takes special attention to the tax forms of the Tea Party? Judging from the terrible spelling on their protest signs, attention to detail isn’t really their thing." –Seth Meyers

 

"Prince Harry this week toured the Jersey Shore with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. It was the first meeting between the Prince, of the House of Windsor, and the Governor, of the House of Pancake.'" –Amy Poehler

 

"The Obama administration is experiencing multiple scandals, and the Republicans are having multiple orgasms. Three scandals at once? Rush Limbaugh today said, 'I feel like I'm on Oxycontin again.'" –Bill Maher

 

"Conservative groups told congressmen that they experienced long delays and were asked to answer unusually detailed questions. They said they felt like black people trying to vote in Florida." –Bill Maher on the Tea Party groups targeted by the IRS

 

 

 

Comment by Lowell Brandon on Monday

Things To Ponder

1. Is there another word for synonym?
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non - prophet organization.
4.If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5.The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the salewoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7.Could it be that all those trick - or - treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Don't sweat the pretty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
12 Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13.What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
14. if a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas stations bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he a homeless naked?
18. Why can't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
21. Why do they put Braille on the drive - through ugly bank machines?
22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Comment by Lowell Brandon on Monday

Why God made moms.

Answers given by 2nd grade school kids to the following questions !!!
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?
1.We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. 4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Die it. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Comment by Lowell Brandon on Sunday

Comment by Lowell Brandon on Sunday

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