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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 91
Latest Activity: 1 minute ago

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Comment by harold yardy 1 minute ago
Subject: FW: Window Replacements
 
 

 

This needs no explanation! I do however think she has a valid point.


 


 

    Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.     Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them.     He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still hadn't, like, paid for them. OMG!     Hellloooo,............ Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm, like, automatically stupid.     So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year.     Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him.     There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.     He never called back.     I bet he felt like an idiot. 

 

 

 

 

Comment by Lynne G. 5 hours ago
.    The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
·    My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
·    My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.
·    I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"
·    I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
·    Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his     blinker on the whole time.
·    The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the storm that's coming.
·    Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.'  If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!
·    If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all this, "How did you get into my house," business!
·    The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going to get me something.
·    On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. ...This is upsetting news to me............ I had no idea I was Japanese.
·    I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
·    I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
·    What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?
 
.
 
Comment by Lynne G. 5 hours ago
Proper way to call someone a bastard
 
> A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
> The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
>
> They were even after the first few holes.
> The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five dollars a hole?"
> The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
>
> The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
> As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00,
> and he confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
>
> The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
> The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
> The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.
You keep your winnings."
>
> The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
> The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation...
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
Comment by Lynne G. 6 hours ago

HAH!!!   Toooooo funny, thanks, Harold!

Comment by harold yardy 17 hours ago

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meets the Mullah for counseling.  He asks if they have any last questions before they leave.The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?""Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"What about different positions?" asks the man."No problem," says the Mullah. "Woman on top?" "Sure," says the Mullah, "Go for it!"  "Doggy style?"  "Sure!" "On the kitchen table?"  "Yes, yes!"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"You may indeed!""Can we do it standing up"No." says the Mullah.""Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing!"

Comment by Lynne G. 19 hours ago

From Richard...

Below...

Comment by Lynne G. 19 hours ago
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".

------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -------- 
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------- 
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
---------- -------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- - 
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ----------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
----------- --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- 
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
---------- --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- 
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

Comment by Lynne G. 21 hours ago

She's beautiful and she lives right across the street. I can 
see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised
when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the 
door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and
I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and
have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen, really sucks!

Comment by Lynne G. yesterday

Hah, Yvonne...good one, thanks!!

Comment by Yvonne yesterday

Man Killed On Golf Course

A foursome of men waited at the men's tee while a foursome of women was  hitting in front of them--taking their time.

When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and missed it completely.

Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically,

"I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn’t help."
 One of the men immediately responded …

"Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
 He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43 years old.

 

 

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Community Activity

harold yardy commented on Annette Tilden's group THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD
"Subject: FW: Window Replacements       This needs no explanation! I do however think she has a valid point.         Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive,…"
1 minute ago
Glady Dixon commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"Alex    The ONE's are fantastic as usual.   I like The Shape."
1 hour ago
alexander Mollison commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"last ones "
1 hour ago
Glady Dixon commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"Alex    I hope you enjoy all your are planning to do.  You will be a busy guy !  So sorry to here Cilla Black. passed on.  I loved her singing.  RIP."
2 hours ago

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