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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 90
Latest Activity: 17 hours ago

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Comment by Lynne G. 17 hours ago

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of the
University of Maine.

 
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.  One day, someone
made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard, a real challenge would be to
preach to a bear.

 
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an
experiment.  They would all go out into the woods,
find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to
their religion.  Seven days later, they all came
together to discuss their experiences.

 
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body  and limbs, went first.  
 
'Well,'he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
 
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my
holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.

 
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was
in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

 
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we
Baptists don't sprinkle!  I went out and I FOUND me a bear, and then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.  So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.  So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.  And just like you said, he became as
gentle as a lamb.  We spent the rest of the day
praising Jesus.  Hallelujah!

 
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at
the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.  

 
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start.

Comment by Lynne G. 17 hours ago

Late last fall, the Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. 
 
 
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
 
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

 

 


But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Environment Canada Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
 
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded
. 


 
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
 
A week later, he called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'


The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


 

 
Two weeks later, the chief called the Environment Canada Weather Service again.

 

'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'


'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

 


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
 
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

 

 

 

 

Comment by Lynne G. 17 hours ago

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.


"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."


Comment by Lynne G. yesterday

Newfoundland declares war on Russia


President Putin was in the Kremlin when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, dere, President Putin" a heavily accented voice said.  "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?   I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"  

"Well Archie," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news !   How big is your army?" 

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub.   That makes eight!"  

Putin paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."  

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" 

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"  

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Putin asked.  

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."  

President Putin sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."  

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."  

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Putin, the war is still on!   We have managed to git ourselves airborne!   We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"  

Putin was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.   My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.   And since we last spoke,
I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"  

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."  

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day.  "President Putin!   I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."  

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Putin.   "Why the sudden change of heart?"  

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners!"   


   CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN 

Comment by Lynne G. yesterday

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for
their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.  
 
A short time later the waitress returns with the
order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man
reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.


 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come
again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke."  
  
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."  
  
Again the man reaches into his pocket and
pays with exact change.  
 
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order
and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.
 
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to
always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"
 
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When
I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
to pay for anything, I would just put my hand
in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
 
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as
long as you live!"
 
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
says the man.
 
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
 
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second
wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long
legs who agrees with everything I say.."


 

Comment by Lynne G. yesterday

Ain't that the truth, Yvonne!  Thanks!

Comment by Yvonne yesterday

THE TREE HUGGER:

A woman from Vancouver who was a tree hugger, an anti-hunter,
and anti-pipeline environmentalist, purchased a piece of timberland near  Squamish, BC . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a  spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid  down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and an anti-industry
person and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The  angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environment Canada, the Parks Service and the BC Department of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a  'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility and so I'm sorry, but due to the Provincial Medical cut backs they turned you
down . Try Dr. David Suzuki.

Comment by Lynne G. on Friday
The Pharmacist's Monday
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute --- listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
Register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
The phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the
Underside of the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase
With a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got
Back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
Rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”
Comment by Lynne G. on Friday

Good quote, Yvonne...ain't it the truth??  :-)  Thanks!

Comment by Lynne G. on Friday

From Richard:

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'


 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.


 The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.


The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.  'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter. 

 

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