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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 88
Latest Activity: yesterday

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Comment by Lynne G. yesterday
As you know Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher.

A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local café.
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While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their peppershaker was full of salt.
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How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand?
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Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
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They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the peppershaker contains salt and the saltshaker—"

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
Comment by Lynne G. yesterday

Greg...looks like where I shop...ha ha   Thanks!

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on Saturday

Comment by Lynne G. on Friday

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing.  Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

 "I wasn't!"

 
Comment by Lynne G. on Friday

OMG!!!  Safe, eh???     

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on Friday

Comment by Lynne G. on Friday
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other


The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.  He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us  He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'
Comment by Lynne G. on Friday

Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of Toronto was visiting her in-laws and,


while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.


Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with


the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind


the back of her head.





He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that


Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her


if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back


of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.




The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because


the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from


her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad


of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister


had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a


gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.


When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and


thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.





Linda is a blonde, and a Conservative, but that


could all be a coincidence.

Comment by Lynne G. on Friday

Hah!  Dennis...good one!   :-)

Comment by Dennis Moeller on Thursday

I saw a teenage girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.

"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.

Everyone gasped in horror, and the 
girl slapped me.

It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.

 

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