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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 88
Latest Activity: 3 minutes ago

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Comment by Lynne G. 3 minutes ago

During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says,  "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!"

Comment by Lynne G. 12 hours ago

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. 

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. 

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. 

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! 

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. 

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. 

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Ottawa exhibition and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. 

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. 

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells. 

Comment by Lynne G. 13 hours ago
Dave was
> > staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
> > “What’s
> > up Dave?” asked the bartender…It’s not like you to be
> > so down in the mouth.”
> > “It’s
> > my four year old son…” the man replied.
> > “Don’t
> > tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my
> > lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to
> > boys that age,” said the bartender,
> > sympathetically.
> > “ I only
> > wish it was that,” continued the customer, “ but it’s
> > far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous
> > 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”
> > “Get
> > away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender
> > “It’s
> > not,”  said the man.  "The little prick
> > stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

> > 
 
Comment by Lynne G. 23 hours ago

Good one, Greg!  Thanks!!

Comment by Lynne G. 23 hours ago
Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for
many years . . .


Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down
and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting
at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus
into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night..

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess
who?"
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles
and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of
Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and
cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So --- Here I am.
Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on Wednesday

Comment by Yvonne on Wednesday

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of men & women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

Comment by Yvonne on Wednesday

  Water In The Carburetor...

WIFE:  "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is.

I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool"

Comment by Yvonne on Wednesday

Avocados

  
  A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, buy 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied… ”They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! 

Men will get it the first time.
 

Comment by Lynne G. on Wednesday

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished." 

However, in a linguistic conference, held in London some years ago, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, a Guyanese named Samsundar Balgobin, was the clever winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished." Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand. 

His response was:

When you marry the right woman, you are "complete."

If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished."

And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are "completely finished." 

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

 

 

 

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