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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 86
Latest Activity: on Saturday

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Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on Saturday

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on Saturday

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I

know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

...

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

.

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on Saturday

The Bet
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on Saturday

Parachute Jumping
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

Comment by Yvonne France on Saturday

HAPPY EASTER TO ALL ZOOMERS!!!

  • All I need to know I learned from the Easter Bunny! 

  • Don't put all your eggs in one basket. 

  • Everyone needs a friend who is all ears. 

  • There's no such thing as too much candy. 

  • All work & no play can make you a basket case. 

  • A cute tail attracts a lot of attention. 

  • Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day. 

  • Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits. 

  • Some body parts should be floppy. 

  • Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans. 

  • Good things come in small, sugar coated packages. 

  • The grass is always greener in someone else's basket. 

  • To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.

  • The best things in life are still sweet and gooey. 

  • May the joy of the season fill your heart. 

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on Friday

Local jewelry store owner happened to catch a guy eating a diamond ring while the saleswoman had her back turned.  He called the police, they arrested him after leaving the store.  After two days, they recovered the ring.  It was appraised at three carets and two pieces of corn. 

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on Friday

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Thought you'd like to see what happened to me last week.

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a piece of horse manure.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a crap. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.

.

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on Friday

A woman walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asked, "What for?"

She said, "I want to kill my husband."

He said, "Sorry, I can't do that."

She reached into her handbag and pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to him.

He said, "Oh, you didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

.

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on Friday

Comment by Lynne G. on Friday

Great, Greg, thanks!!!

 

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Community Activity

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alexander Mollison commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
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