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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 89
Latest Activity: 9 hours ago

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Comment by Lynne G. 9 hours ago

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.  My eight-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for > the food, and I would thank
you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with parenting these days. Kids today don't
even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
So after I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grandson asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A
little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I
will remember the rest of my life.
 
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her:
"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch!"
 
Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?
 
Comment by Lynne G. 13 hours ago
This is the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas Tree:
One Christmas things weren't going too well for Santa up there at the North Pole. Mrs. Claus was sick, the elves were on strike and the reindeer all had diarrhea. Santa was totally frazzled. In the midst of all this an angel came in with the tree and asked Santa,
"Where would you like me to put the Christmas Tree?" 
Comment by Lynne G. 18 hours ago

A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw inOrlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was$10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'

Comment by Lynne G. 19 hours ago

Thanks Greg...I am a Bah Humbug about Christmas...so I love that one...  :-)

Comment by Lynne G. 19 hours ago

A hooded robber burst into a Vancouver bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave Vancouver customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off,
Revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.


He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot her also.

Everyone in the bank, by now horrified and very scared, looked intently down at the
Floor in silence.

The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There followed a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old farmer from Saskatchewan tentatively raised his hand and said,
"I think my wife got a pretty good look at you..."

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN yesterday

Comment by Lynne G. yesterday

HAH!!!  Good one, Greg...ha ha ha...

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN yesterday

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eatin...g a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN yesterday

Comment by Lynne G. yesterday

Good laughs, thanks, Greg!!

 

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