Information

THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 90
Latest Activity: yesterday

Comment Wall

Comment

You need to be a member of THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD to add comments!

Comment by Lynne G. yesterday

A GUY WAS SITTING QUIETLY READING HIS PAPER WHEN HIS WIFE WALKED UP BEHIND HIM AND WHACKED HIM ON THE HEAD WITH A MAGAZINE. 'WHAT WAS THAT FOR?' HE ASKED.


'THAT WAS FOR THE PIECE OF PAPER IN YOUR TROUSER POCKET WITH THE NAME LAURA LOU WRITTEN ON IT,' SHE REPLIED.

'TWO WEEKS AGO WHEN I WENT TO THE RACES, LAURA LOU WAS THE NAME OF ONE OF THE HORSES I BET ON, I BOUGHT YOU THOSE FLOWERS WITH THE WINNINGS, 'HE EXPLAINED.

'OH DARLING, I'M SORRY,' SHE SAID. 'I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THERE WAS AGOOD EXPLANATION.'

THREE DAYS LATER HE WAS WATCHING TV WHEN SHE WALKED UP AND HIT HIM IN THE HEAD AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH A FRYING PAN, WHICH KNOCKED HIM OUT COLD.

WHEN HE CAME TO, HE ASKED, 'WHAT WAS THAT FOR?'

'YOUR HORSE PHONED.'

Comment by Lynne G. on Monday
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.
He sits at  the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded,
Staring blankly at a bowl of chili.
 
After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry
Bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
 
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says.
"Nah, ye can gae ahead."
 
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
Place and starts spooning it in with delight.
 
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into
The bowl.
 
The old Jock says. "Aye, that's as far as I got too."
 

May the wind whistle quietly up ya kilt.
 
Comment by Lynne G. on Monday

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

 

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.  We've got dogs  with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

 

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of  dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said,  "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now.   They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

 

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a  seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult,

but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

 

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."  

The woman said, "You don't understand.  This is my seeing-eye dog".

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A  Chihuahua ?   They gave me a friggin Chihuahua ?!"

 

Comment by Lynne G. on Sunday

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of the
University of Maine.

 
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.  One day, someone
made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard, a real challenge would be to
preach to a bear.

 
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an
experiment.  They would all go out into the woods,
find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to
their religion.  Seven days later, they all came
together to discuss their experiences.

 
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body  and limbs, went first.  
 
'Well,'he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
 
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my
holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.

 
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was
in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

 
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we
Baptists don't sprinkle!  I went out and I FOUND me a bear, and then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.  So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.  So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.  And just like you said, he became as
gentle as a lamb.  We spent the rest of the day
praising Jesus.  Hallelujah!

 
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at
the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.  

 
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start.

Comment by Lynne G. on Sunday

Late last fall, the Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. 
 
 
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
 
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

 

 


But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Environment Canada Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
 
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded
. 


 
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
 
A week later, he called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'


The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


 

 
Two weeks later, the chief called the Environment Canada Weather Service again.

 

'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'


'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

 


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
 
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

 

 

 

 

Comment by Lynne G. on Sunday

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.


"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."


Comment by Lynne G. on Sunday

Newfoundland declares war on Russia


President Putin was in the Kremlin when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, dere, President Putin" a heavily accented voice said.  "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?   I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"  

"Well Archie," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news !   How big is your army?" 

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub.   That makes eight!"  

Putin paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."  

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" 

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"  

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Putin asked.  

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."  

President Putin sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."  

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."  

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Putin, the war is still on!   We have managed to git ourselves airborne!   We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"  

Putin was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.   My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.   And since we last spoke,
I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"  

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."  

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day.  "President Putin!   I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."  

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Putin.   "Why the sudden change of heart?"  

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners!"   


   CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN 

Comment by Lynne G. on Sunday

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for
their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.  
 
A short time later the waitress returns with the
order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man
reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.


 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come
again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke."  
  
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."  
  
Again the man reaches into his pocket and
pays with exact change.  
 
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order
and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.
 
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to
always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"
 
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When
I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
to pay for anything, I would just put my hand
in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
 
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as
long as you live!"
 
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
says the man.
 
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
 
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second
wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long
legs who agrees with everything I say.."


 

Comment by Lynne G. on Saturday

Ain't that the truth, Yvonne!  Thanks!

Comment by Yvonne on Saturday

THE TREE HUGGER:

A woman from Vancouver who was a tree hugger, an anti-hunter,
and anti-pipeline environmentalist, purchased a piece of timberland near  Squamish, BC . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a  spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid  down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and an anti-industry
person and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The  angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environment Canada, the Parks Service and the BC Department of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a  'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility and so I'm sorry, but due to the Provincial Medical cut backs they turned you
down . Try Dr. David Suzuki.

 

Members (90)

 
 
 

Members

Community Activity

alexander Mollison commented on Nadine's group Writer Wednesday
"the kitties are not writers but we will see what we can do"
2 hours ago
Glady Dixon commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"Barb   Enjoy your dinner !  It's your Thanksgiving.  I used to eat only white meat but recently changed to dark.  White was just too dry.  Cranberry sauce goes great on the dark meat. Alex  …"
5 hours ago
alexander Mollison commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"so its news coronation st  big bang and 2and half men suppertime so its "
6 hours ago
alexander Mollison commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"and the Fridays "ONE"S "
6 hours ago

© 2014   Part of the Zoomer Interactive Network.

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service

google-site-verification: googlef2bf84fe9dda65cb.html