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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 87
Latest Activity: 12 hours ago

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Comment by Lynne G. 12 hours ago
Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning.
As I came into my bedroom, about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal.
Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,
"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
Alex shouted, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, turned to me, then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
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An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4-year-old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but Mother says I'm not."
---------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."



Comment by Lynne G. 13 hours ago
  1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. 
  2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 
  3. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS. 
  4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.  A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband. 
  5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Fosters, Carlsberg & Budweiser.  Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.  
Comment by Lynne G. 21 hours ago

A guy sits down at the bar and orders several drinks in rapid succession.

 

 
"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks .

 

 
“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!”

 

 
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well,
Maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?”

 

 
"Yeah. But today is the last day.”

Comment by Lynne G. 21 hours ago

HAH!!!  Good points, Dennis!  Thanks.

Comment by Dennis Moeller 22 hours ago

 
 
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one.  So, I'm  wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my  hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I thought about  making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'  Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get,  the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice:  When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

 

Comment by Lynne G. 23 hours ago

Dennis!  So that was you in my driveway last night????

Comment by Dennis Moeller yesterday

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73!

I'm so happy, because I live at number 67.....

so it's not far to walk home afterward

Comment by Lynne G. yesterday

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
 And she was upset.

 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!

 I'm leaving you.

 I want a divorce right away!'
 And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,


 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Comment by Lynne G. yesterday

Rich...GROAN...ha ha ha...nice to see you!!

Comment by Richard Davis on Tuesday

A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games.

 The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

 

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alexander Mollison commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
" hope the night crew had a great day. Barbaralev Linda parr"
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