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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 90
Latest Activity: 15 hours ago

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Comment by Lynne G. 15 hours ago

BEAUTY PARLOR

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.

SECRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have....similar to my character lines.

OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
. . . and that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!

Comment by Lynne G. on Friday

This is funny even if you are not a grandparent.        Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and    Grandfathers is? Well here it is:A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.  Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?''Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single ass hole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
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Comment by Lynne G. on Friday

> 1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
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> 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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> 3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she's probably very cross.
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> 4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
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> 5. You know that tingling little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
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> 6. I don't like making plans for the day because the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in court.
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> 7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,508 days in a row.
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> 8. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "the John" and rename it "the Jim."  I feel much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning."
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> 9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
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> 10. Politicians should have two terms - one in office and the other in prison
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> Just remember Einstein's comment:  "There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity; intelligence has its limits."
Comment by laura52 on Thursday

Oh that was so good and so true Richard.  Say thanks to him for me Lynne.

As for the money...Ha!  I'm retired aren't I? :-D

Comment by Lynne G. on Thursday

From Richard.

One of the English national daily newspapers asked readers "What does it mean to be English?"

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a chap in Switzerland stood out:  

"Being English is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then going home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watchAmerican or Australian shows on a Japanese or Korean TV, which will soon be powered by a Chinese nuclear power station."  

And the most English thing of all?

"Suspicion of anything foreign."

Comment by Lynne G. on Thursday

Nows your chance to brag, Laura...ha ha ha   

How much would YOU have had...  ????

My 87 year old e-friend in Kentucky, said she would have had at least $5 million....now widowed, looking for a new man!!!   :-)

Comment by laura52 on Thursday

HA!  Now that was a good one Lynne!

Comment by Lynne G. on Thursday

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut



Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

Comment by Lynne G. on Thursday

HAHAHA....OOpsie...

Thanks, Harold!

Comment by harold yardy on Thursday

Jan and Bob had slept in and Jan just got out of the shower and sliped on her robe and Bob got in the shower

Just then the doorbell rang

Jan rushed downstairs to see who was there.She peeked out the window only to find her neighbor Stan so she opened the door for him

Stan thinking quick says  " I will give you $300 dollars to drop the robe? "

Jan hesitated reached up and let it slip to the floor 

Stan admired her beautiful naked body for a minute or to and handed her an envelope and  left

By then Bob came down stairs  " who was at the door? "

Jan replied sheepishly" Stan "

" Oh said Bob ""

"did he return the $300 I loaned him yesterday ? "

Jan was a blond

 

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