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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 91
Latest Activity: 3 hours ago

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Comment by Lynne G. 3 hours ago
Twin sisters in a Newfoundland  Nursing Home were turning one
hundred years old.

 

The editor of the  local newspaper told a photographer to get over
there and take pictures of  the two 100 year old twins.

 

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the  other could hear
quite well.

 

Once the photographer arrived he asked  the sisters to sit on the sofa.

 

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT  DID HE SAY?"

 

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the  other.

 

"Now get a little closer together," said the  cameraman.

 

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

 

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A  LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to
each other.

 

"Just hold on for a  bit longer, I've got to focus the camera,"
said the photographer.

 

Yet  again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

 

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

 

With a big  grin, the deaf twin shouted out,

 

"OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US???? -- CAN I  BE FIRST???" 
Comment by Lynne G. 3 hours ago

Hahahahahahaha, good ones, thanks, Greg!!

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN 6 hours ago

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN 7 hours ago

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN 7 hours ago

Comment by Lynne G. yesterday

THE  LETTER

 

Hi Bob,        This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least  now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much....I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again.  Regards, Alan.      


 

  THE ACTIONS

Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-         

THE REPLY

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’.  Technology hey?!?  Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.

Comment by Lynne G. yesterday

On a bitterly cold winter morning an Irish husband and wife in Tadley were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through" So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through" The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?" Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

Comment by Lynne G. yesterday

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is an older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion! He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life!" He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies,

"No problem, just get that lion out of there."

Comment by Lynne G. yesterday

HAH!!  Thanks, Harold.

The last three won't open for me...darn...

Comment by harold yardy yesterday


> >  A guy was in a bar about as drunk as
> > it's possible to get. 
> >  
> > A group of guys notice his condition
> > and decide to be good Samaritans and take him
> > home. 
> > First, they stand him up to get to his
> > wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps
> > falling down. 
> >  
> >  He fell down eight more times on the
> > way to the car, each time with a real 
> > thud.
> >  After they get to his house, he falls
> > down another four times getting him to the door.
> >  
> > His wife comes to the door, and one guy
> > says, "We brought your husband home."
> >  
> > The wife asks, "Where's his
> >  wheelchair?  

 

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Glady Dixon commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"Alex   You stay warm tonight too !"
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Pauline Kiely replied to Devrah Laval's discussion I'm a new member and would love to GIFT you with my first book! in the group The Official Zoomer Book Club
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