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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 88
Latest Activity: 3 hours ago

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Comment by Norma on February 16, 2012 at 7:02pm

 

There are four classes of church members: the tired, the retired, the tiresome and the tireless.

 

Visitor: Pastor, how many active members do you have?

Pastor: They are all active. Half of them are working with me and half are working against me.

 

A minister asked a little girl what she thought of her first church service.

"The music was nice," she said, "but the commercial was too long."

 

 

Comment by Richard Davis on February 16, 2012 at 5:37pm
Was in the pub on Friday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Ireland?"

One of them chirped "It's WALES you idiot!!!"

So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?"









Comment by Yvonne F. on February 15, 2012 at 9:58pm

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING: 

Dear Abby,
     A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.  These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. 

Do you think they could be Lebanese

 
Dear Abby,
     What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on My VCR?

 


Dear Abby,
     I have a man I can't trust.  He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the

baby I'm carrying is his.



Dear Abby,

    I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the

pill for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,
     I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and

when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said

it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
     Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was

raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?


Dear Abby, 
I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it. 

Now how do I get out?

 

 Dear Abby,
     My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00

an hour every week for two and a half years.  He must be crazy.


Dear Abby,
     I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank

until one night he came home sober. 


Dear Abby,
    My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going

through mental pause. 

 
Dear Abby,
     You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest

in sex to send him to a doctor.  Well, my husband lost all interest

in sex and he is a doctor.  Now what do I do? 

Remember these people are breeding and can vote! LOL!!!    

 

Comment by Norma on February 15, 2012 at 8:42pm

 

Mother: Suzie, what have you been doing this morning while I was working in the kitchen?

Suzie: I was playing postman.

Mother: How could you play postman when you don't have any letters?

Suzie: I was looking through your trunk in the garage and found a packet of letters tied with a nice ribbon, and I posted one in everyone's mailbox on the block.

 

 

Comment by Norma on February 14, 2012 at 6:57pm

 

The head of a small industrial concern posted DO IT NOW ! signs all around his office and plant in the hope of getting better results from his workers. Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well; the bookeeper skipped with $50,000; the chief copy eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; the workers in the factory joined a union and are out on strike; and the office boy threatened to beat me up"

 

  

Comment by Leeners on February 14, 2012 at 10:27am

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate Valentines Day. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A  Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."  

Comment by Norma on February 13, 2012 at 8:13pm

 

Do you have the book "Man, Master of Women"? a young man asked the lady librarian.

"Fiction shelf to your left" the librarian said.

 

Bill: That girl in the red dress isn't very smart.

Phil: I know. She hasn't paid any attention to me , either.

 

Gas prices are so high that when I pulled into a station this morning and asked for a dollar's worth, the attendant dabbed some behind my ears.

 

 

Comment by Yvonne F. on February 13, 2012 at 4:37pm

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
        
            A half-gallon of 2% milk
            A carton of eggs
            A quart of orange juice
            A head of lettuce
            A 2 lb. can of coffee
            A 1 lb. package of bacon 

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out,

a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the purchases were being rung-up, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
        
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.  


I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk
to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said...

'Yes, you are correct:  But how on earth did you know that?'
 
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

 

Comment by Leeners on February 13, 2012 at 12:13pm

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.  She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket  as hard as she can.  Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.  Did you say ‘hello’?”

Comment by Richard Davis on February 13, 2012 at 7:16am

HEALTH MESSAGE (please give me a break)

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I suddenly realized that I don't really give a rat's toss.


It's the tortoise life for me!


1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.


And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!

 

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