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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 87
Latest Activity: 8 hours ago

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Comment by Norma on February 13, 2012 at 8:13pm

 

Do you have the book "Man, Master of Women"? a young man asked the lady librarian.

"Fiction shelf to your left" the librarian said.

 

Bill: That girl in the red dress isn't very smart.

Phil: I know. She hasn't paid any attention to me , either.

 

Gas prices are so high that when I pulled into a station this morning and asked for a dollar's worth, the attendant dabbed some behind my ears.

 

 

Comment by Yvonne F. on February 13, 2012 at 4:37pm

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
        
            A half-gallon of 2% milk
            A carton of eggs
            A quart of orange juice
            A head of lettuce
            A 2 lb. can of coffee
            A 1 lb. package of bacon 

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out,

a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the purchases were being rung-up, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
        
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.  


I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk
to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said...

'Yes, you are correct:  But how on earth did you know that?'
 
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

 

Comment by Leeners on February 13, 2012 at 12:13pm

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.  She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket  as hard as she can.  Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.  Did you say ‘hello’?”

Comment by Richard Davis on February 13, 2012 at 7:16am

HEALTH MESSAGE (please give me a break)

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I suddenly realized that I don't really give a rat's toss.


It's the tortoise life for me!


1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.


And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!

Comment by Norma on February 12, 2012 at 4:31pm

 

Young man: Yes, I know a great deal about baseball and football. I was also captain of our basketball team. I drive race cars and motorcycles. I can swim and dance and I am sure that you would have a great time going out on a date with me. I am a good conversationalist.

Young lady: Do you have a group photograph of yourself?

 

Comment by Richard Davis on February 12, 2012 at 6:49am
I must admit that at my age...I started to think about this.
It was very reassuring to take this quick test and know ...I'm good!
SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds...

If you are over 40 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test



How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S





| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert!!



Comment by Charlie Heyda on February 11, 2012 at 11:33pm

*****

Somebody finally made an orthopedic bed just for men!  No more snoring anymore--will be sleeping on stomach 99% of the time.  Is this a great idea or what?
 
 

Can be ordered in three firmness levels--saline, silicone, or natural--in sizes from C to DDDD.  Note:  Any guy wanting less than size C should just sleep on the floor!
Comment by Yvonne F. on February 11, 2012 at 9:04pm

Praying at the Western Wall for 60 years!

 

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris" he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.

I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.

I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a friggen wall."

 

Comment by Yvonne F. on February 11, 2012 at 9:01pm

 

Be Careful Out There!!!

 

EBay Scam

Be careful what you purchase on eBay --

 

I Spent $50 on a penis enlarger

sent me a magnifying glass.

Instructions said

don't use in the sunlight.

 

Comment by Richard Davis on February 11, 2012 at 6:15pm

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts even more loudly in chant. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in just 51days!"


 

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