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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 88
Latest Activity: 7 hours ago

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Comment by Norma on February 19, 2012 at 6:33pm

 

"You have known the defendant how long?"

"Twelve years"

"Tell the court whether you think he is the type of man who would steal this money or not."

"How much was it?"

 

 

Psychiatrist: Congratulations, sir, you are cured.

Patient: Some cure. Before I was Julius Caesar. Now, I am nobody.

 

 

Comment by Norma on February 18, 2012 at 4:52pm

 

I once saw a movie that was so bad six states use it in place of capital punishment.

 

In the etiquette class he once attended, he was unanimously voted the student most likely to return.

 

The troops were being taught to jump from a plane.

"What if my parachute doesn't open?" asked one rookie.

"That," said the instructor, "is known as jumping to a conclusion"

 

Judge: Have you anything to offer the court before sentence is passed upon you?

Prisoner: No, Your Honour. My lawyer took my last dollar.

 

 

Comment by Norma on February 17, 2012 at 3:29pm

 

Rick Santorum looks like a guy running for student council.” –David Letterman

“Each year, Mitt Romney celebrates Valentine's Day by spending a romantic evening in front of the mirror.” –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are both against gay marriage. Really, against gay marriage? I tell you, the problem with this is they’d make such a cute couple.” –David letterman

Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. In a related story, President Obama has already been re-elected.” –Conan O'Brien

“Happy Valentine’s Day. Everyone on the campaign trail is celebrating with their sweetheart. Rick Santorum and his wife Karen, Newt Gingrich and his wife Callista, Mitt Romney and his Swiss bank account.” –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has compromised with the Catholic Church on this whole birth-control issue. The White House's new position? Just have sex and pray for the best." –Jay Leno

“President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece.” –Jay Leno




 

Comment by Richard Davis on February 17, 2012 at 10:26am
A Dublin Doctor wanted to go fishing, so he approached his apprentice Doctor.
"Murphy, I am goin' fishing tomorrow, and don't want to be closin' the clinic. I want you to take care of all m' patients! "

"Not a problem, Yes,Doctor! I'll do m' best,Sir!! "
answered Murphy.

The Doctor returned the following day.

"So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of
three patients.
"The first one had a headache,he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the Doctor.

"The second one had indigestion, so I gave him Gaviscon."
says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this!! And what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.

"Doctor, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flew open ... And a young gorgeous woman burst in, she did! Like a bolt outta the blue, she tore off her clothes, taking off everything!! - including her bra and panties!! - and she lay on the table, and spread her legs!! -and then shouted loudly:

"Oh Please Doctor - HELP ME!! - for the love of St Patrick!! - For five years now, I haven't seen any man!! "


Aghast, the Doctors asked,
"Oh NO, Murphy!! ......
-Tunderin' Joseph, Mary and Lard Jesus, what did you do?"


"The only t'ing I could do, Doctor!!
I put drops in her eyes!! "

Comment by Norma on February 16, 2012 at 7:02pm

 

There are four classes of church members: the tired, the retired, the tiresome and the tireless.

 

Visitor: Pastor, how many active members do you have?

Pastor: They are all active. Half of them are working with me and half are working against me.

 

A minister asked a little girl what she thought of her first church service.

"The music was nice," she said, "but the commercial was too long."

 

 

Comment by Richard Davis on February 16, 2012 at 5:37pm
Was in the pub on Friday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Ireland?"

One of them chirped "It's WALES you idiot!!!"

So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?"









Comment by Yvonne F. on February 15, 2012 at 9:58pm

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING: 

Dear Abby,
     A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.  These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. 

Do you think they could be Lebanese

 
Dear Abby,
     What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on My VCR?

 


Dear Abby,
     I have a man I can't trust.  He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the

baby I'm carrying is his.



Dear Abby,

    I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the

pill for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,
     I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and

when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said

it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
     Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was

raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?


Dear Abby, 
I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it. 

Now how do I get out?

 

 Dear Abby,
     My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00

an hour every week for two and a half years.  He must be crazy.


Dear Abby,
     I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank

until one night he came home sober. 


Dear Abby,
    My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going

through mental pause. 

 
Dear Abby,
     You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest

in sex to send him to a doctor.  Well, my husband lost all interest

in sex and he is a doctor.  Now what do I do? 

Remember these people are breeding and can vote! LOL!!!    

 

Comment by Norma on February 15, 2012 at 8:42pm

 

Mother: Suzie, what have you been doing this morning while I was working in the kitchen?

Suzie: I was playing postman.

Mother: How could you play postman when you don't have any letters?

Suzie: I was looking through your trunk in the garage and found a packet of letters tied with a nice ribbon, and I posted one in everyone's mailbox on the block.

 

 

Comment by Norma on February 14, 2012 at 6:57pm

 

The head of a small industrial concern posted DO IT NOW ! signs all around his office and plant in the hope of getting better results from his workers. Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well; the bookeeper skipped with $50,000; the chief copy eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; the workers in the factory joined a union and are out on strike; and the office boy threatened to beat me up"

 

  

Comment by Leeners on February 14, 2012 at 10:27am

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate Valentines Day. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A  Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."  

 

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alexander Mollison commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"kitten is cute laura 52"
40 minutes ago
alexander Mollison commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"heard that that's nice you are close laura52 you can see it.will see what ombudsman comes up with, should be ok I think."
42 minutes ago
alexander Mollison commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"ok  the ombudsman called so he listened will work for me and work out a good deal taxes included they have the deals. He is calling back in an hour"
1 hour ago
alexander Mollison commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"lol Barbara lev  know what they are trying to do bur need it so I can talk to ombudsman theirs he is going to call? supposed to be today after 11am  which it is now,  probably at lunchwill keep bugging ecuse yesterday was that…"
1 hour ago

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