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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 91
Latest Activity: 13 minutes ago

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Comment by alexander Mollison on February 28, 2012 at 1:17pm

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN (from Ireland)

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YOU'VE GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

IT'S A CURIOUS LOT, THOSE IRISH!

Comment by Yvonne F. on February 27, 2012 at 9:32pm

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at

Ottawa house:

 

One is from VANCOUVER,

another is from TORONTO and

the third, is from ST. JOHN'S, NFLD .

All three go with a Government official to examine the fence.

 

The VANCOUVER contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 

The TORONTO contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

"The NFLD contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."

 

The government official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The NFLD contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Toronto to fix the fence."

"Done…!" replies the government official.

 

And that, my friends, is how government contracting works everywhere!

 

Comment by Norma on February 27, 2012 at 5:12pm

 

A man was sitting in a cafe when all of a sudden someone came in and beat him up. When he woke up he said to the owner, "Who was that?"

"That was Kung Fu from China" replied the owner.

Next week the man was eating in the same cafe when a different person entered and beat him up. When he woke up he said to the owner, "Who was that?"

The owner said, "That was Kuang Chow from Taiwan.

Several weeks later Kun Fu and Kuang Chow were eating in the cafe. The man who had been beaten by both of them entered and did his work. He said to the owner, "When they wake, tell them that was a hammer from Sears."

 

Comment by Yvonne F. on February 26, 2012 at 6:57pm

You may have seen this one before, but worth another watch and

good laugh!!

 

Make sure you take the time to watch this. It is so funny and true.

Your laugh for today. Plus if you scroll down underneath the video, you'll notice that there are more videos by Mary....

all of them so very funny –

        ENJOY!

A wonderful woman is asked to say Grace at a gathering of

"Seniors at Home" care givers, and she brought down

the house about 90 seconds into her prayer.



  

http://www.caregiverstress.com/2010/07/a-reminder-that-laughter-is-...

 

Comment by Norma on February 25, 2012 at 5:11pm

The world would be a better place if all men showed as much patience as they do when they are waiting for a fish to bite.

 

A farmer vows he increased egg production by putting this sign in the henhouse: "An egg a day keeps Colonel Sanders away."

 

Comment by harold yardy on February 25, 2012 at 1:59pm


  SUPERSEX   
  A little old lady   who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. 
  As she walked, she   would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." 
  She walked up to an   elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said,   "Supersex." 
  He sat silently for   a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
  _____________________________________
 
  ROMANCE   
  An older couple were   lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a   romantic mood and wanted to talk. 
  She said: "You   used to hold my hand when we were courting.." 
  Wearily he reached   across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. 
  A few moments later   she said: "Then you used to kiss me.." 
  Mildly irritated, he   reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. 
  Thirty seconds later   she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..." 
  Angrily, he threw   back the bed clothes and got out of bed. 
  "Where are you   going?" she asked.. 
 
  "To get my   teeth!"
  _____________________________________
 
  DOWN AT THE   RETIREMENT CENTRE 
  80-year old Bessie   bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist   in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have   sex with me tonight!!" 
  An elderly gentleman   in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" 
  Bessie thinks a   minute and says, "Close enough."
  _____________________________________
 
  OLD FRIENDS 
  Two elderly ladies   had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds   of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to   meeting a few times a week to play cards. 
  One day, they were   playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad   at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of   your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me   what your name is." 
  Her friend glared at   her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she   said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
  _____________________________________
 
  SENIOR DRIVING 
  As a senior citizen   was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his   wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news   that there's a car going the wrong way on F3. Please be careful!" 
  "Hell,"   said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!" 
  _____________________________________ 
  DRIVING 
  Two elderly women   were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.   As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was   red, but they just went on through. 
  The woman in the   passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have   sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they   came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went   right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light   had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting   nervous. 
  At the next   junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she   turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just   ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" 
  Mildred turned to   her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Please !!!! 
  Friends, tell me   this won't happen to us !!!!


Comment by Charlie Heyda on February 25, 2012 at 2:54am

*****

This was sent to me by Linda L, who knows that I have an interest in geography.  Was she trying to tell me something?  LOL

 

Geography Lesson

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel.  She has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past, and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit with a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran. Ruled by nuts.

THE END

Comment by Norma on February 24, 2012 at 6:58pm

"Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you're not an outsider. You're just unpopular." –Jay Leno


 "Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty." –Jay Leno


 "A known white supremacist has been working with a known black gang leader to make and distribute crystal meth. A white supremacist works side by side with a black gang member, and the Republicans still can't agree on Mitt Romney. That doesn't make any sense." –Jay Leno

 

This guy Santorum. He is so conservative. When he goes to the market, he skips the household aisle, just to avoid making eye contact with Mr. Clean." –Jay Leno.

 

During a concert at the White House yesterday, President Obama got on stage and performed with Mick Jagger. Apparently, Obama wanted to prove to Republicans that he could work with a rich old white guy." –Conan O'Brien


 "Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail." –Conan O'Brien

 

 

Comment by Ruth B on February 24, 2012 at 12:18pm

found this morning - 

 



A guy is driving around the back woods of
Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of
hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I
discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.


In no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a
mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Liar
. He's never been out of the yard'
Comment by Norma on February 23, 2012 at 7:52pm

 

The teacher asked each member of her sixth-grade class to write the names of nine outstanding Americans. Ten minutes later the teacher saw that everyone but Carl had finished writing.

"What's the matter Carl?" the teacher asked. "Can't you think of nine great Americans?"

"I have eight," Carl said. "But I still need a second baseman"

 

 

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