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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 90
Latest Activity: 40 seconds ago

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Comment by Norma on February 24, 2012 at 6:58pm

"Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you're not an outsider. You're just unpopular." –Jay Leno


 "Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty." –Jay Leno


 "A known white supremacist has been working with a known black gang leader to make and distribute crystal meth. A white supremacist works side by side with a black gang member, and the Republicans still can't agree on Mitt Romney. That doesn't make any sense." –Jay Leno

 

This guy Santorum. He is so conservative. When he goes to the market, he skips the household aisle, just to avoid making eye contact with Mr. Clean." –Jay Leno.

 

During a concert at the White House yesterday, President Obama got on stage and performed with Mick Jagger. Apparently, Obama wanted to prove to Republicans that he could work with a rich old white guy." –Conan O'Brien


 "Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail." –Conan O'Brien

 

 

Comment by Ruth B on February 24, 2012 at 12:18pm

found this morning - 

 



A guy is driving around the back woods of
Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of
hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I
discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.


In no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a
mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Liar
. He's never been out of the yard'
Comment by Norma on February 23, 2012 at 7:52pm

 

The teacher asked each member of her sixth-grade class to write the names of nine outstanding Americans. Ten minutes later the teacher saw that everyone but Carl had finished writing.

"What's the matter Carl?" the teacher asked. "Can't you think of nine great Americans?"

"I have eight," Carl said. "But I still need a second baseman"

 

Comment by Norma on February 22, 2012 at 8:41pm

 

“There are 8 million dead people who are still registered to vote. As a matter of fact, they're the group that's most passionate about Mitt Romney.” –Conan O'Brien

China's vice president was in Los Angeles today. When he got off the plane, he apologized for his problem with the language. Apparently, his interpreter doesn't speak Spanish.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is sinking in the polls. That is the magic of a Donald Trump endorsement right there.” –David Letterman

“The band Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. I think I'm going to wait and see who Metallica likes.” –David Letterman

“Candidates must have a slogan. Ron Paul's slogan is ‘Fear the Poligrip.’" –David Letterman

“Kim Jong Il would have been 70 years old today if he hadn't died a couple of months ago. But don't worry. Osama bin Laden threw him a surprise party in hell.” –David Letterman

"Iran and its nukes. They’ve got the rods all ready to go into the reactor. They’re waiting on the installer. He’s supposed to come out Friday between 10 and 2." –David Letterman

 

 

Comment by Charlie Heyda on February 22, 2012 at 7:20pm

*****

A Senior Motel Moment
 
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 65th birthday, and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony--a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum.
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone, and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, ma'am, but you'll need to press 9 for an outside line."
Comment by Annette Tilden on February 22, 2012 at 12:25pm

Nice, Harold.  I particularly like the last picture.

Comment by harold yardy on February 22, 2012 at 11:59am

Lighteninginajar.pps 

 

 

something to think about

Comment by Charlie Heyda on February 20, 2012 at 2:06am

*****

Boudreaux, an 80-year-old Cajun man from out by Grosse Tete, Louisiana, goes to the doctor for his yearly check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape Boudreaux is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?"

"I stays in the swamp, and I hunts and fishes every day," says the old Cajun. "Dat's why I'm in such good shape. I'se up well before daylight and out huntin' and fishin' all day. I has a beer for breakfast and at lunch and wid my supper, too. And I has a shot of hooch before bed time. And I says my prayers every night. And all is well wid me."

Well,"says the doctor, "I'm sure the prayers help, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

"Who said Pop is dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?"

"Pop be 100 next month," replied Boudreaux. "In fact, he hunted with me dis mornin', and den we went to a beer joint for a while and had a few beers, and dat's why he's still alive. He's a tough old Cajun man, and he hunts and fishes everyday, too."

"Well, the doctor says, that's great! But, I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your
father's father? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Paw Paw's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you are 80 years old, your father is 100, and your grandfather is still living? Incredible! How old is he?"

"We tink about 118," says the old Cajun. He likes his beer, too, but he won't touch the hard stuff."

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point.
"So, I guess your grandfather went hunting and fishing with you and your father this morning, too?"

"No, Paw Paw couldn't go dis time. He's gettin' married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
"Getting married?! Why would a 118-year-old man want to get married?"

Boudreaux looked down at the floor and mumbled,
"Who said he wanted to?"

Comment by Norma on February 19, 2012 at 6:33pm

 

"You have known the defendant how long?"

"Twelve years"

"Tell the court whether you think he is the type of man who would steal this money or not."

"How much was it?"

 

 

Psychiatrist: Congratulations, sir, you are cured.

Patient: Some cure. Before I was Julius Caesar. Now, I am nobody.

 

 

Comment by Norma on February 18, 2012 at 4:52pm

 

I once saw a movie that was so bad six states use it in place of capital punishment.

 

In the etiquette class he once attended, he was unanimously voted the student most likely to return.

 

The troops were being taught to jump from a plane.

"What if my parachute doesn't open?" asked one rookie.

"That," said the instructor, "is known as jumping to a conclusion"

 

Judge: Have you anything to offer the court before sentence is passed upon you?

Prisoner: No, Your Honour. My lawyer took my last dollar.

 

 

 

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