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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 86
Latest Activity: 21 hours ago

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Comment by harold yardy on March 2, 2012 at 10:50am

how real this is

 


Dear Sirs,
  I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe
this. How is it that Bell-Alliant has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a friggin satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Canadian Government is still asking me where I was friggin born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension checks, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed
for the past 30 years. It is on my  Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all
those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-i-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me,
I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house,
then you ask me for my f---g address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last f-----g people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the friggin city to get another f---g copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of  $35. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
   Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f-----n' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fn' morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed
An Irate Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in Newfoundland since 1497 and I've been a Canadian Citizen since 1949 .......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am
- you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN f-----G PAKISTAN

Comment by Annette Tilden on March 2, 2012 at 6:13am

Where have you been, Leeners?  I missed you.

Comment by Leeners on March 1, 2012 at 5:39pm

IT'S MARCH! SO HERE GOES WITH THE IRISH JOKES!

 

An Irish Family Tradition: Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ....and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father,his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the
lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit.

Comment by Charlie Heyda on February 29, 2012 at 11:47pm

*****

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.


Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"


Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.


Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."


The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"


Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.


On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"


"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.


As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."


"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley.

Comment by Yvonne F. on February 28, 2012 at 7:42pm

DIFFERENT POLICE OFFICERS RESPONSES:

 

QUESTION: 
How do you tell the difference between a CANADIAN, an AUSTRALIAN and an AMERICAN Police Officer? 


ANSWER: 
First - Let’s pose the following question: 

You're a cop. You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night. 
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you. 
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. 

What do you do? 

CANADIAN POLICE OFFICER: 

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights. 
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed? 
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law? 
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 
4) Am I dressed provocatively? 
5) Could I run away? 
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his

hand? 
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings? 
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? 
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society? 
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? 
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me? 
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?  
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home? 

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER: 

BANG! 

  
AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER: 

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!   'click'.... 
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!) 

 

 

Comment by Norma on February 28, 2012 at 6:35pm

 

My husband really embarrassed me the other day in a restaurant. When he drunk his soup, six couples got up and started to dance.

 

Comment by Norma on February 28, 2012 at 6:32pm

Alexander, both really good jokes...Thanks...

Comment by alexander Mollison on February 28, 2012 at 1:20pm

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said,

"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"

Comment by alexander Mollison on February 28, 2012 at 1:17pm

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN (from Ireland)

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YOU'VE GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

IT'S A CURIOUS LOT, THOSE IRISH!

Comment by Yvonne F. on February 27, 2012 at 9:32pm

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at

Ottawa house:

 

One is from VANCOUVER,

another is from TORONTO and

the third, is from ST. JOHN'S, NFLD .

All three go with a Government official to examine the fence.

 

The VANCOUVER contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 

The TORONTO contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

"The NFLD contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."

 

The government official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The NFLD contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Toronto to fix the fence."

"Done…!" replies the government official.

 

And that, my friends, is how government contracting works everywhere!

 

 

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