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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 86
Latest Activity: 3 hours ago

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Comment by Yvonne F. on February 28, 2012 at 7:42pm

DIFFERENT POLICE OFFICERS RESPONSES:

 

QUESTION: 
How do you tell the difference between a CANADIAN, an AUSTRALIAN and an AMERICAN Police Officer? 


ANSWER: 
First - Let’s pose the following question: 

You're a cop. You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night. 
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you. 
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. 

What do you do? 

CANADIAN POLICE OFFICER: 

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights. 
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed? 
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law? 
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 
4) Am I dressed provocatively? 
5) Could I run away? 
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his

hand? 
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings? 
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? 
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society? 
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? 
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me? 
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?  
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home? 

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER: 

BANG! 

  
AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER: 

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!   'click'.... 
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!) 

 

 

Comment by Norma on February 28, 2012 at 6:35pm

 

My husband really embarrassed me the other day in a restaurant. When he drunk his soup, six couples got up and started to dance.

 

Comment by Norma on February 28, 2012 at 6:32pm

Alexander, both really good jokes...Thanks...

Comment by alexander Mollison on February 28, 2012 at 1:20pm

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said,

"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"

Comment by alexander Mollison on February 28, 2012 at 1:17pm

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN (from Ireland)

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YOU'VE GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

IT'S A CURIOUS LOT, THOSE IRISH!

Comment by Yvonne F. on February 27, 2012 at 9:32pm

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at

Ottawa house:

 

One is from VANCOUVER,

another is from TORONTO and

the third, is from ST. JOHN'S, NFLD .

All three go with a Government official to examine the fence.

 

The VANCOUVER contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 

The TORONTO contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

"The NFLD contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."

 

The government official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The NFLD contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Toronto to fix the fence."

"Done…!" replies the government official.

 

And that, my friends, is how government contracting works everywhere!

 

Comment by Norma on February 27, 2012 at 5:12pm

 

A man was sitting in a cafe when all of a sudden someone came in and beat him up. When he woke up he said to the owner, "Who was that?"

"That was Kung Fu from China" replied the owner.

Next week the man was eating in the same cafe when a different person entered and beat him up. When he woke up he said to the owner, "Who was that?"

The owner said, "That was Kuang Chow from Taiwan.

Several weeks later Kun Fu and Kuang Chow were eating in the cafe. The man who had been beaten by both of them entered and did his work. He said to the owner, "When they wake, tell them that was a hammer from Sears."

 

Comment by Yvonne F. on February 26, 2012 at 6:57pm

You may have seen this one before, but worth another watch and

good laugh!!

 

Make sure you take the time to watch this. It is so funny and true.

Your laugh for today. Plus if you scroll down underneath the video, you'll notice that there are more videos by Mary....

all of them so very funny –

        ENJOY!

A wonderful woman is asked to say Grace at a gathering of

"Seniors at Home" care givers, and she brought down

the house about 90 seconds into her prayer.



  

http://www.caregiverstress.com/2010/07/a-reminder-that-laughter-is-...

 

Comment by Norma on February 25, 2012 at 5:11pm

The world would be a better place if all men showed as much patience as they do when they are waiting for a fish to bite.

 

A farmer vows he increased egg production by putting this sign in the henhouse: "An egg a day keeps Colonel Sanders away."

 

Comment by harold yardy on February 25, 2012 at 1:59pm


  SUPERSEX   
  A little old lady   who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. 
  As she walked, she   would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." 
  She walked up to an   elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said,   "Supersex." 
  He sat silently for   a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
  _____________________________________
 
  ROMANCE   
  An older couple were   lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a   romantic mood and wanted to talk. 
  She said: "You   used to hold my hand when we were courting.." 
  Wearily he reached   across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. 
  A few moments later   she said: "Then you used to kiss me.." 
  Mildly irritated, he   reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. 
  Thirty seconds later   she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..." 
  Angrily, he threw   back the bed clothes and got out of bed. 
  "Where are you   going?" she asked.. 
 
  "To get my   teeth!"
  _____________________________________
 
  DOWN AT THE   RETIREMENT CENTRE 
  80-year old Bessie   bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist   in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have   sex with me tonight!!" 
  An elderly gentleman   in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" 
  Bessie thinks a   minute and says, "Close enough."
  _____________________________________
 
  OLD FRIENDS 
  Two elderly ladies   had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds   of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to   meeting a few times a week to play cards. 
  One day, they were   playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad   at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of   your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me   what your name is." 
  Her friend glared at   her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she   said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
  _____________________________________
 
  SENIOR DRIVING 
  As a senior citizen   was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his   wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news   that there's a car going the wrong way on F3. Please be careful!" 
  "Hell,"   said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!" 
  _____________________________________ 
  DRIVING 
  Two elderly women   were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.   As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was   red, but they just went on through. 
  The woman in the   passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have   sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they   came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went   right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light   had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting   nervous. 
  At the next   junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she   turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just   ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" 
  Mildred turned to   her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Please !!!! 
  Friends, tell me   this won't happen to us !!!!


 

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