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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

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Comment by harold yardy on March 8, 2012 at 8:16am

Subject: FW: Men Sure Don't Understand Women

 

 

 

              
    
       
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
    
       
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
  
   

 

   
   

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   
   

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wife by text to husband at work:

 

"Windows at home frozen - what will I do?"


Husband - "Spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"


Wife a few minutes later - "Done that, now computer won't work at all”.

Comment by Yvonne F. on March 7, 2012 at 9:38pm

Japanese Hotel Service

 

An Australian businessman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan..

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.


'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a
vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the
best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
‘Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read,
'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation,
stuck his manhood....into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit ... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

 

Comment by Norma on March 7, 2012 at 5:08pm

 

A man came into a pet shop carrying a parrot in a bird cage. "I want to return this bird"

The owner sight at the prospect of facing yet another this-bird-won't -talk complain. "Sir," he said, "we guarantee that all our parrots can talk. However, we can't guarantee when they will talk. It's all spelled out on your sales receipt."

"No, no, you don't understand," the customer said. "The bird talks. I just don't like his attitude."

Puzzled, the store owner said, "You're right. I don't understand. Explain it to me."

"I bought the bird a week ago, " the customer said.

"Every morning, I'd would stand in front of his cage and ask, 'Can you talk?' I did the same thing every evening. For six days, I got no response. Then, this morning I shouted at the bird, 'CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?'"

The customer glared at the parrot. The owner asked, "So, what happened?"

"That bird looked at me," the customer said, "and said, 'I can talk, all right. Can you fly?? ' "

 

   

Comment by harold yardy on March 7, 2012 at 11:40am

'Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, 'Holy S... What a Ride!!


Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on March 6, 2012 at 6:30pm

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... And so forth. ... However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Obams re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids!!!!!!!
Comment by Yvonne F. on March 6, 2012 at 3:05pm

Here is a solution to all our problems....if it were only that easy!!

Boy!!! Was I glad to receive this!!      

Check your shampoo bottle label.     

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!! It’s the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,   

FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY! 

NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
 

 Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using DAWN
dish soap instead. Their label reads, 

 DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.  

Problem Solved!!!  

If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!

 

Comment by Yvonne F. on March 5, 2012 at 10:39pm

Letter to a men's helpline...

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:


I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.


The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.


I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.


Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.


It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

 

 

Comment by Norma on March 5, 2012 at 6:08pm

 

"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you are shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes" he said embarrased. Then , waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, " But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind ! "

 

Comment by Norma on March 4, 2012 at 5:28pm

(I hope I haven't posted this before)

 

For an experiment with a new type of spacecraft, NASA went back to one of its tested procedures--using a mouse as the passenger. When the craft returned to earth, the mouse was carefully examined, then returned to its original cage in the lab.

"How was it?" the other mice asked excitedly.

"It was pretty rough, " said the astronaut mouse. "But it's a hell of a lot better than cancer."

 

 

Comment by Leeners on March 4, 2012 at 9:58am

 Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen
if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please
raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
.

 

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