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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 88
Latest Activity: 3 hours ago

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Comment by harold yardy on March 7, 2012 at 11:40am

'Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, 'Holy S... What a Ride!!


Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on March 6, 2012 at 6:30pm

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... And so forth. ... However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Obams re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids!!!!!!!
Comment by Yvonne F. on March 6, 2012 at 3:05pm

Here is a solution to all our problems....if it were only that easy!!

Boy!!! Was I glad to receive this!!      

Check your shampoo bottle label.     

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!! It’s the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,   

FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY! 

NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
 

 Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using DAWN
dish soap instead. Their label reads, 

 DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.  

Problem Solved!!!  

If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!

 

Comment by Yvonne F. on March 5, 2012 at 10:39pm

Letter to a men's helpline...

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:


I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.


The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.


I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.


Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.


It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

 

 

Comment by Norma on March 5, 2012 at 6:08pm

 

"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you are shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes" he said embarrased. Then , waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, " But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind ! "

 

Comment by Norma on March 4, 2012 at 5:28pm

(I hope I haven't posted this before)

 

For an experiment with a new type of spacecraft, NASA went back to one of its tested procedures--using a mouse as the passenger. When the craft returned to earth, the mouse was carefully examined, then returned to its original cage in the lab.

"How was it?" the other mice asked excitedly.

"It was pretty rough, " said the astronaut mouse. "But it's a hell of a lot better than cancer."

 

 

Comment by Leeners on March 4, 2012 at 9:58am

 Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen
if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please
raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
.

Comment by Yvonne F. on March 2, 2012 at 11:26pm

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.


As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
 
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
 
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
 
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
 
We can't drive.'
 
Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ......so we're just waiting.     

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD; WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!

 

 

Life is too short, so:

Forgive quickly.  Believe slowly. Love truly.

Laugh uncontrollably.

Never regret anything that makes you happy.

And have a wonderful journey!!!"

http://soulinsider.com/

 

Comment by Norma on March 2, 2012 at 7:05pm

 

Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney is so closed-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, ‘Are you kidding me? A man with three boats, that's my kind of guy.’” –Jimmy Fallon


“It's being reported that Snooki is pregnant. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he immediately came out in favor of birth control.” –Conan O'Brien

 

Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It's called Every Child Left Behind.” –David Letterman

 

Kid Rock gave Mitt Romney an endorsement. He also endorsed porn, Jack Daniels, and hepatitis C.” –Jimmy Kimmel

 

 Kid Rock has formally endorsed Mitt Romney. Doesn't Kid Rock look like the guy that Mitt Romney's neighborhood watch group would call the cops on?” –Jay Leno

 

“As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.” –Conan O'Brien

 

Comment by harold yardy on March 2, 2012 at 10:50am

how real this is

 


Dear Sirs,
  I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe
this. How is it that Bell-Alliant has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a friggin satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Canadian Government is still asking me where I was friggin born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension checks, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed
for the past 30 years. It is on my  Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all
those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-i-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me,
I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house,
then you ask me for my f---g address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last f-----g people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the friggin city to get another f---g copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of  $35. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
   Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f-----n' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fn' morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed
An Irate Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in Newfoundland since 1497 and I've been a Canadian Citizen since 1949 .......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am
- you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN f-----G PAKISTAN

 

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