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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

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Latest Activity: 6 hours ago

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Comment by Lynne G. on July 21, 2014 at 1:27pm

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year,

 

And every year Bill would say,

 

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

 

Blanche always replied,

 

" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

 

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

 

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

 

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

 

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

 

To this, Blanche replied,

 

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

 

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

 

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

 

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

 

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

 

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

 

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

 

But still not a word...

 

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

 

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

 

I'm impressed! "

 

Bill replied,

 

" Well, to tell you the truth

 

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

 

But you know,

 

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "


 


 


 

Comment by Lynne G. on July 20, 2014 at 6:46pm
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was.The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.' 
Now the banker,being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.Tom proudly said,'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' Tom said,'She's pregnant too.'
Don't ever underestimate old guys .


Comment by Lynne G. on July 20, 2014 at 2:38pm
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. 

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
 
Comment by Lynne G. on July 20, 2014 at 2:15pm

Good one Rich, how's the weather in Vienna?  Raining here at the moment, Central Ontario.

Comment by Lynne G. on July 20, 2014 at 1:57pm
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.


"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing
you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were
nickels in the bowl," the woman continued.


"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were dimes. This morning, there were quarters!"



"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on
her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Ready for this?)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


(I'm warning you.....)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Still not too late.....delete now!)

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"You're simply going through the change!"

Comment by Richard Davis on July 20, 2014 at 5:07am
Comment by Lynne G. on July 19, 2014 at 2:03pm

Good one, Dennis!  Nice to see ya!

Comment by Lynne G. on July 19, 2014 at 1:53pm

            A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

 


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

 


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a
chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

 


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

 


(Please scroll down.)

 
 
 


                 

 

What were you
thinking?

 

Her husband speaks English!

 
Comment by Dennis Moeller on July 19, 2014 at 1:44pm
 
 
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her  class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are  designated as either masculine or  feminine.

'House' for  instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,'  however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A  student asked, 'What gender is  'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer,  the teacher split the class into two groups, male  and female, and asked them to decide for  themselves whether computer' should be a masculine  or a feminine noun.
 
Each group was asked to give four reasons  for its  recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer'  should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la  computadora'), because:

1. No one but their  creator understands their internal logic;

2  The native language they use to communicate with  other computers is incomprehensible to everyone  else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are  stored in long term memory for possible later  retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a  commitment to one, you find yourself
spending  half your paycheck on accessories for  it.

(THIS GETS  BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that  computers should be Masculine ('el computador'),  because:

1. In order to do anything with  them, you have to turn them  on;

2. They have a lot  of data but still can't think for  themselves;

3. They are supposed to help  you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the  problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to  one, you realize that if you had waited a little  longer, you could have got a better  model.

The women  won.
 
Comment by Lynne G. on July 19, 2014 at 1:36pm
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

 

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