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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 91
Latest Activity: 6 hours ago

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Comment by Lynne G. on February 25, 2015 at 10:21am
A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone abo...ut my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the
first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears
Comment by Lynne G. on February 22, 2015 at 2:31pm
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got
a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always
run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'
Comment by Yvonne F. on February 21, 2015 at 11:54pm

Always take the high road ... there is less traffic up there. :)

Comment by Lynne G. on February 21, 2015 at 6:02pm

At least the Leafs are good for something, Greg...thanks!!

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on February 21, 2015 at 4:58pm

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on February 21, 2015 at 4:55pm

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on February 21, 2015 at 4:53pm

Comment by Lynne G. on February 21, 2015 at 10:50am
The owner and bartender at a local bar in downtown Osoyoos,
B.C. was so sure that he was the strongest man around that
he offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran
into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron.
Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it
would win the money. Many people had tried over the years . . . weightlifters, loggers, bikers, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came into the bar.  He sat down, ordered a glass of draft and started looking around the bar. After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said. "Ok"
He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it . . . then
handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.
But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man
clenched his little fist around the lemon . . . and six drops fell
into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000,
and then asked little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you
do for a living?  Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for Revenue Canada."
 
Comment by Lynne G. on February 21, 2015 at 6:25am

The bastards have started again...
  

I had two Leaf Tickets lying on the dash of my truck,
 

Some asshole broke in and left two more; lock your car doors! 

Comment by Lynne G. on February 20, 2015 at 6:13pm

HAH!!!  Good ones, Greg, thanks for posting!!!

 

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