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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 86
Latest Activity: on Saturday

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Comment by Keith on April 14, 2014 at 9:07am

A Newfoundland painter by the name of Skipper Drover, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Long Harbour for his paintings. 

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretched limo and asked Skipper if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request and it had Skipper a bit perturbed. The beautiful lady told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $50,000. 

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Skipper asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Rose, his missus. 

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, “T’would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus. The wife says it’s okay. I’ll paint ya in da nude, but I have ta leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes”

Comment by Lynne G. on April 13, 2014 at 7:52am

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.  The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her, but finally it was too much for me.

I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

Comment by Lynne G. on April 13, 2014 at 7:22am

                    Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing
some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?"
Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging
down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert!
Shoulda bought a hat.".
Comment by Lynne G. on April 11, 2014 at 4:58pm

Thanks, Greg.  My treasures for today, were...not suitable.  :-)

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on April 11, 2014 at 4:41pm

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:

I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on April 11, 2014 at 4:16pm

A health forum speaker asks:

"Which food causes extreme suffering for years after eating it ?"

After a long silence, an old man answered:

"Wedding Cake " !!!!!!!


 

Comment by Lynne G. on April 10, 2014 at 4:21pm

Thanks, as ever, Greg...good ones!!

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on April 10, 2014 at 3:47pm

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on April 10, 2014 at 3:46pm

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on April 10, 2014 at 3:45pm

Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
Because they go answer the door.

What do you call a blond with a Chainsaw?
Dead.

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
You knock on the door.

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

 

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