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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 87
Latest Activity: 1 hour ago

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Comment by Lynne G. on Wednesday

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women..

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

Comment by Lynne G. on August 26, 2014 at 4:40pm
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these
cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.
"The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns
to the mother and says, -
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is
pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been
with a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.
About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something
wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the
hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!!!!"
Comment by Lynne G. on August 26, 2014 at 1:38pm

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

 

Comment by Lynne G. on August 26, 2014 at 1:24pm

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the
cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about
this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed,
including my underpants...
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I
found out that she was referring to how I should position my
credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
Man, I hate this getting older stuff.

 

Comment by Lynne G. on August 26, 2014 at 1:21pm
THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A YANKEE BASEBALL GAME.                

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM.  BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS, HOPING THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,
"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH .  THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."


THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID LOUDLY,
"I WANT TO MOVE TO MONTANA .  THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."


THE THIRD GUY YELLED,
"I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO . THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE." THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL...THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."
Comment by Lynne G. on August 26, 2014 at 10:41am
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."  
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chop’s in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.  
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.  
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.  
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again.
No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.  
The butcher runs up screams at the guy:
"What the hell are you doing?  
This dog's a genius!"  
The owner responds,
"Genius, my backside.
It's the second time this week  he's forgotten his key!"

 

Comment by Lynne G. on August 26, 2014 at 8:34am

Why I don't play golf...

Comment by Lynne G. on August 26, 2014 at 8:33am

Golf is easy really...

 

Once a player has mastered the grip and stance, all he has to bear in mind, in the brief two-second interval it takes to swing, is to keep his left elbow pointed in toward the lefty hip and his right arm loose and closer to the body than the left and take the club head past his right knee and then break the wrists at just the right instant while the left arm is still traveling straight back from the ball and the right arm stays glued to the body and the hips come around in a perfect circle and meanwhile everything is mucked up unless the weight is 60 percent on the left foot and 40 percent on the right - not an ounce more or less - and at just the right point in the turn the left knee bends in toward the right in a dragging motion until the left heel comes off the ground but not too far and be sure the hands are over the right foot but not on the toe more than the heel except that the left side of the right foot is tilted off the ground - but not too far - and be sure the hands at the top of the swing are high and the shaft points along a line parallel with the ground and if it is a downhill lie the shaft is supposed to be pointed downhill too and pause at the top of the swing and count one, jerk the left arm straight down like a bell ringer yanking a belfry rope and don't un-cock the wrists too soon and pull the left hip around in a circle but don't let the shoulders turn with the hips - they have to be facing the hole and now transfer the weight 60 percent to the right foot and 40 percent to the left -not an once more or less and tilt the left foot and 40 percent to the right - not an ounce more of less - and tilt the left foot now so the right side of it is straight (that's the one you hit against) watch out for the left hand, it's supposed to be extended, but not too stiff or the shot won't go anywhere and don't let it get loose or you will hook, then let the wrists un-cock but don't force them or you'll smother the shot and don't break too soon but keep your head down and hit the ball!


THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT...unless you move your head...then you're screwed!!

 

 

Comment by Lynne G. on August 25, 2014 at 5:44pm

Hey Yvonne!

Thanks Dennis, a good one...ha ha 

Comment by Yvonne France on August 25, 2014 at 4:29pm

WOW .. fabulous jokes and lots of LOL LOL LOL

Thanks all.

 

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