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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 91
Latest Activity: 3 hours ago

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Comment by Daffyd on May 21, 2015 at 3:51pm

How do you like your porridge in the morning? I like mine with a kiss....

OH MY GRAND PA PA

welcome.gif

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his grandson. He told him that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto his porridge every morning.
The grandson followed this dictum religiously until his death at the venerable age of 103. He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren.......... and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.



Comment by Lynne G. on May 21, 2015 at 1:14pm
On average, an American or Canadian man will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
    
This is upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
Comment by Lynne G. on May 20, 2015 at 6:46pm
In a train from Toronto to Montreal an American tourist

was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in

the compartment.

"The trouble with you British people is that you are too

stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your

stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

 

Look at me... I'm me! I have Italian blood, Greek blood,

a little Irish blood and some Spanish blood. What do you

say to that?"

 

The Brit lowered his newspaper and replied:

 

"How very sporting of your mother!”

  

Comment by Lynne G. on May 20, 2015 at 2:09pm

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
 
The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if
you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
 
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
 
 
 
Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation
briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
 
"Tom," the old man moaned.
 
"Where ya from, Tom?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Tom
replied......"The balcony!"  

Comment by Lynne G. on May 20, 2015 at 1:40pm
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So . .. . If I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you.
Comment by Lynne G. on May 20, 2015 at 7:46am
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
 

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
 
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
 
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." 

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
 
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
 
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word
​  ​
​i​s big. She'll read it very slowly .. com-for-da-bul."
 
Comment by Lynne G. on May 20, 2015 at 7:39am

hahahahahahahahaha  Thanks, Yvonne...I'd jump too!!

Comment by Yvonne F. on May 19, 2015 at 10:01pm

A True Story from the Pages of the Manchester Evening Times:


Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the Train station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab; I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

 

 

Comment by Yvonne F. on May 19, 2015 at 1:52pm

The Great Mayonnaise Disaster or 1912 ...

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England.  In fact, the Titanic was carrying 120,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.  This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico

 

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.  The ship hit an iceberg and sank.  The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.  Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.

  

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on

May 5 and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.

 

WHAT???  You expected something educational from me?  LOL LOL You need a shot of Tequila

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on May 19, 2015 at 1:00pm

 

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