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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 89
Latest Activity: 23 hours ago

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Comment by Lynne G. on December 13, 2014 at 7:43am

From Richard:

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh...
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. It just went black and would not switch back on.
Frustrated,  she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom with her new boyfriend that she's trying to turn him on by slapping the backside and playing with the knob' 
The minister fainted.

Comment by Lynne G. on December 11, 2014 at 7:10pm

A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

 

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,"Boy, that was one delicious panther!  I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

 

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

 

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

 

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

 

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

 

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

 

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

 

Moral of this story...

 Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!  BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Comment by Lynne G. on December 11, 2014 at 4:28pm

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs.  In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.  In her  30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,  "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man  goes through three phases.  In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.  In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable.  After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes.  The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."  

Comment by Lynne G. on December 11, 2014 at 3:25pm
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed.
"Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband.
He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food,
Stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're
Going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill
While he was licking his ass!"
 
Comment by Lynne G. on December 11, 2014 at 1:56pm

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly
Steve throws up all over himself. “Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!” Tony
says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane
that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry
cleaning bill.”...
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually
Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. “You reek
of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, “Nowainaminit, I can
e’splain everythin! Itsh snot wha ew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.
But thiss other guy got ssick on me… he had one too many and he juss
couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an’ gave me twennie
bucks for the cleaning bill!”
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks.”
“Oh, yeah…I almos’ fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.”

 

 

 

Comment by Lynne G. on December 11, 2014 at 7:29am

*EATING  IN  THE  FIFTIES*


Pasta was not eaten in Australia.
 
Curry was a surname.  
 
A take-away was a mathematical problem.  
 
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.  
 
All potato c
risps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put salt on or not. 
 
Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.

Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
 
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
 
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.   
 
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
 
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.  Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.  
 
Fish didn't have fingers in those days. 

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
 
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
 
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
 
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
 
Indian restaurants were only found in India.  
 
Cooking outside was called camping.
 
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
 
"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food. 
 
Prunes were medicinal.
 
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
 
Water came out of the tap.  If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it
, they would have become a laughing stock!!


The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .....

 

"Elbows Or Phones." ! ! ! !

Comment by Lynne G. on December 10, 2014 at 2:18pm

Gosh, Dennis, bras could be next to go!!

Comment by Lynne G. on December 10, 2014 at 2:16pm

Somebody is going to have to wake up sooner or later, Harold.  For sure. 

Comment by Dennis Moeller on December 10, 2014 at 2:16pm

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New Swedish underwear ,banned in the U.S....True story.You can kill people but you cant be comfortable.

Comment by harold yardy on December 10, 2014 at 2:07pm

forward that  to ms Wynne 

 

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