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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 92
Latest Activity: 3 hours ago

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Comment by Yvonne F. on Wednesday

This applied to all of us at one time -LOL

TEENAGERS …

Tired of being harassed by your stupid parents?

ACT NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!

Move Out. Get A Job

Pay Your Bills

While You Still Know Everything.

Comment by Lynne G. on April 28, 2015 at 2:49pm

HAH!!  God one, thanks, Daffyd!!

Comment by Daffyd on April 28, 2015 at 2:40pm

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to  replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest.
'I am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of Youth.'
'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional.
 
''But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began.
 
Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay  on the church roof.
 
Comment by Lynne G. on April 27, 2015 at 4:03pm
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind LickManeuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Comment by Daffyd on April 27, 2015 at 3:14pm

Gynecologist             turned mechanic.

A gynecologist had             become fed up with malpractice insurance and Paperwork             decided to give up practicing medicine.
Hoping to try another             career where skillful hands would be beneficial, so he decided to             become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college,             signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all             he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached,             the former gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed             the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back,             he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.             Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to             appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if             there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During             the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly which was worth 50% of             the total mark."
"You put the engine back together again             perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a             pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you             did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in             my entire career"

Comment by Yvonne F. on April 27, 2015 at 1:45pm

Lynne:  Luv the UCLA joke ... kinda true eh?! LOL LOL

Comment by Yvonne F. on April 27, 2015 at 1:42pm

THE OUT-HOUSE:

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.

 

Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

 

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

 

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree at the time."

 

Comment by Lynne G. on April 27, 2015 at 10:22am
Madeline was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young 'pullets' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.  This  took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.  Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.  Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Madeline's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen: but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Madeline's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.  
Madeline was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize": they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?  
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
Comment by Lynne G. on April 27, 2015 at 7:14am

A very wealthy husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later
and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club.  But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with George?"  asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Comment by Lynne G. on April 26, 2015 at 5:39pm

Good ones, Yvonne and Daffyd...thanks...ha ha ha

 

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alexander Mollison commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"cooling off here too"
3 hours ago
alexander Mollison commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"ones tuesday "
3 hours ago
Glady Dixon commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
"Alex    Thanks for the wish of a good night  Same to you and I hope you enjoy your TV shows.  Lynne G   Temp. here is 57 and it looks like it is raining !"
5 hours ago
alexander Mollison commented on alexander Mollison's group The Kitties
" dull here too rain expected have a good night glady LynneG. think out for breakfast in morning pick up my quinine pills. papers"
6 hours ago

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