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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 87
Latest Activity: 7 hours ago

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Comment by Lynne G. on Thursday

Joe gets bad headaches.

The doctor said,
Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.  You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on a nerve at the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.  The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.  He had no choice but to go under the knife. 

When he left the hospital a few days later, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself...

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought,
'That's what I need... A new suit...'
He entered the shop and told the salesman,
'I'd like to try on a new suit please...'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,
'Let's see now... Size 44 long should do it'
Joe laughed, 'Wow, that's right; how did you know?'
'Oh, I've been in the business 40 years sir!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
'How about a new shirt to go with that lovely suit sir?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure, why not.'
The salesman eyed Joe for a moment and said,
'Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised again,
'You're absolutely right, how did you guess that?'
'Been in the business 40 years sir.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit like a glove!
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure, I might as well.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'
Joe laughed,
'Ah ha! I got you!  I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head,
'No way! You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!!'

Comment by Lynne G. on Thursday

A Scottish woman went to the local newspaper office to publish the obituary for her recently deceased husband.
The obits editor informed her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She paused, reflected and then said,
"Aye, well then, let it read, 'Angus MacPherson died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor told her that there is a six word minimum for all obituaries.
She thought it over for a while and that said,
"Ach, in that case, let it read...'Angus MacPherson died. Bagpipes for sale'."

Comment by Lynne G. on Thursday

Gentle Thoughts for Today

 

Birds of a feather flock together...

And then shit on your car.


A penny saved is a

Government oversight.


The older you get, the tougher

It is to lose weight, because by

Then your body and your fat have

Gotten to be really good friends.


The easiest way to find

Something lost around the

House is to buy a replacement...


He who hesitates is probably right.


Did you ever notice: The Roman

Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.


The sole purpose of a child's

Middle name is so he can

Tell when he's really in trouble.


Did you ever notice: When you

Put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'

Together it spells 'Theirs....'


Aging: Eventually you will

Reach a point when you stop

Lying about your age and

Start bragging about it.


Some people try to turn back

Their odometers. Not me, I want

People to know 'why' I look this way.

I've traveled a long way and

Some of the roads weren't paved.


When you are dissatisfied and

Would like to go back to your

Youth, think of Algebra or Geometry.


You know you are getting

Old when everything either

Dries up or leaks.


One of the many things no

One tells you about aging

Is that it is such a nice change

From being young. Ah, being

Young is beautiful, but being

Old is comfortable.


Lord, Keep your arm around

My shoulder and your hand

Over my mouth . . . AMEN

Comment by Lynne G. on September 10, 2014 at 5:15pm

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
 
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen  to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
 
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a
wonderful sense of humor!
 
“I got my first impression of  the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
 person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
 
 
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave
his talk:

 

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
 


Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

Comment by Lynne G. on September 10, 2014 at 4:01pm

Meeee 2!!   

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on September 10, 2014 at 3:17pm

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..


The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, You have passed
all the tests, except one. It is a simple test of your English
language skills. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.

'Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
 You must make a sentence using the words
 Yellow, Pink, and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
 'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said,
 'The telephone goes green, green,
 And I pink it up, and say,
 Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
 I know I have.

Comment by Lynne G. on September 10, 2014 at 2:07pm

A distraught senior citizen
> phoned her doctor's
> office.
> "Is it true," she wanted to know,
> "that the medication
> you prescribed has to be taken
> for the rest of my life?"
> "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor
> told her.
> There was a moment of silence
> before the senior lady replied,
> "I'm wondering, then,
> just how serious is my condition
> because this prescription is
> marked  'NO REFILLS'.."
>

Comment by Lynne G. on September 9, 2014 at 11:42am
The Pope has just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and is 
taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, 
he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Since the 
chauffeur really doesn't have much of a choice, he climbs in the 
back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see 
what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 MPH, and suddenly he 
sees the red and blue lights of the highway patrol in his mirror. 
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.

The trooper, seeing who it is, says, 'Just a moment please, I 
need to call in.' The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. 
He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person 
pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.

'It's not the Senator again is it?' asks the chief.

'No Sir!' replies the trooper, 'This guy's more important.'

'Is it the Governor?' asks the chief.

'No! Even more important!' replies the trooper.

'Is it the PRESIDENT??? asks the chief.

'No! Even more important!' replies the trooper.

'Well WHO is it?' screams the chief.

'I don't know Sir.' replies the trooper, 'but he's got the Pope 
as his chauffeur.'
Comment by Lynne G. on September 9, 2014 at 8:43am

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the  road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
  "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"
 the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
 under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
 as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
 "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you. "

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
  You'll really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a
 heart-warming lawyer story...did you?

Comment by Lynne G. on September 9, 2014 at 7:55am
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
 
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
 
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface  like grass or a path."
 
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
 
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
 
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
 
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if
  
 
.
.
she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 

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