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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 87
Latest Activity: 19 hours ago

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Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on April 8, 2014 at 8:27pm

The Assassin


A few months ago there was an opening with the CIA for an assasin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

...

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the
extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "Your definitely not the right man for the job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We
must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the
same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be
sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all was quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with a chair!"

Comment by Richard Davis on April 8, 2014 at 3:34am

Letter for Grandpa

Dear God,

Please send clothes to those poor ladies in Grandpa's photographs

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on April 7, 2014 at 5:50pm

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'

'So, how come He doesn't?' she asked

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on April 7, 2014 at 5:48pm

MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'

'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.

'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

Comment by Lynne G. on April 7, 2014 at 8:04am

Exercise Program

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
 
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend  your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there, as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
 
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
 
Then, try 50-lb potato bags and eventually, try to lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and then, hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level ...).

After you feel completely confident at this level, carefully put a potato in each bag and start over at the beginning.
Comment by Lynne G. on April 7, 2014 at 7:48am

An 18-year-old  suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.
 
Since I'm only 18 and have spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman.

So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can  I have 72 whores?"
 
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,  "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you  murdered them before

they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here  to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, 

frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
 
The bomber responded,  "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
 
And Allah replied, "Who said they were  women?"

  

Comment by Yvonne France on April 6, 2014 at 10:08pm

LOL good ones Greg

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on April 6, 2014 at 3:54pm

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been
learning how powerful KINGS and QUEENS were in Bible times. But, there is a
Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'

One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

 

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on April 6, 2014 at 3:51pm

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did
a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?'

'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on April 6, 2014 at 3:50pm

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the
Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on
the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

 

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