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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 90
Latest Activity: 8 hours ago

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Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on November 17, 2014 at 4:42pm

Comment by Lynne G. on November 17, 2014 at 2:18pm

A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London.

She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.

'Begorrah, Colleen,' says her mother. 'Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive.

Where did ye get that?'

Colleen replies, 'Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?'

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mum a

few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch

and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mum ... same 'Won it at bingo!'

Colleen returns to the bright lights again.  A few months later, she's back.  This time she's sporting a

beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother

1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo.

Then she asks Mum to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.  When Colleen gets to the bathroom,

there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bath. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mum being so cheap

with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, 'Mum! sure now, didn't I ask you

to run me a bath?  There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!'

'Indeed there is, me darlin,' replies her Mum.  'But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?'

You can never fool Mum.

Comment by Lynne G. on November 17, 2014 at 2:17pm

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

 
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides.  It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

 
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!

Comment by Lynne G. on November 17, 2014 at 12:54pm

Sorry...duh...Lowell...Lyle is my neighbour, ha ha ha...

Comment by Lynne G. on November 17, 2014 at 12:53pm
What is a "Gear Head"?. Here's one.

A husband went to a police station to report his missing wife:
Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height ?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . . 
Sergeant :  Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband :  2015 CorvetteStingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP.  8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.…………. at this point the husband started crying...
Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car.
 
Comment by Lynne G. on November 17, 2014 at 11:35am

Glad you are still kicking, Keith.  Lyle is from the far west, has been around Zoomers a long time.  It was just a line, but the last line of one I had just  posted.  

Ho, hum...it's not a big deal to post, but if nobody is reading...

Comment by Keith on November 17, 2014 at 11:31am

Hey Lynne,

I have not past away, I read the posts. Whose Lyle? I guess, if he is repeating your posts, he is impressed.

Comment by Lynne G. on November 17, 2014 at 10:57am

Thanks, Harold!  Geeeez Lyle, do you ever read the posts...you put the same line on, one post after I did.

Is anybody reading these things?  Zoomers seems to have shrivelled up and passed away.

Comment by Lynne G. on November 17, 2014 at 10:55am
No sex after surgery . . .
 A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth hospital ,saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.” 

Comment by harold yardy on November 16, 2014 at 5:00pm

 

 

A young man with his pants hanging  half off his ass,  two gold front teeth, and a half inch  thick gold chain
around his neck; walked into the  local welfare office to pick up his  cheque.
 
He marched up to the counter and  said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.  I  don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
  
The social worker behind the  counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job  opening from a
very wealthy old man who wants a  chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You'll have  to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz  CL, and he will supply all of your  clothes."
      
"Because of the long hours,  meals will be provided.  You'll also be expected to escort the  daughter on her
overseas holiday trips. This is rather  awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your  job  assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as  the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a  rather strong  sex drive."
       
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"    
 
The social worker said, "Yeah,  well... You started it."

 

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