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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 88
Latest Activity: 9 hours ago

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Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on October 14, 2014 at 6:03pm

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old. The first one said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady says, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one says, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have any of those problems, knock on wood." As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, "That must be the door... I'll get it!"..

Comment by Keith on October 14, 2014 at 3:06pm

An Irishman's First Drink With His Son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.


Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the pint of Guinness and the Harp.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey,
I could hardly push the stroller. 

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on October 14, 2014 at 2:21pm

We are getting back to the don't bother reading just post

Re Oct 2 @3 55

Comment by Lynne G. on October 14, 2014 at 8:03am

After being married for 48 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "you're an alphabet wife...
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "what the hell does that mean?"

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous,
Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said,  "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving his testicles.

Comment by Lynne G. on October 14, 2014 at 7:12am

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.



Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.


For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, 
the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 
Comment by Lynne G. on October 13, 2014 at 11:41am
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.  One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,  “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.  “I’d better go back and see if I can find them.  Thanks for telling me officer."
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.  “Where did you get all that money?  You didn’t steal it, did you?"
 
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off.  Kills the flowers, you know.  Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?" 
 
"So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, O.K., buddy!  Give me $20, or off it comes.
 
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK.. Good luck!”  
 
"Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?”
 
"Not everybody pays.”
 
Comment by Lynne G. on October 13, 2014 at 10:26am
Wonderfully British
 In a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
 "The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy.
 You set yourselves apart too much.
 You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
 Look at me... I'm me! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some Spanish blood
What do you say to that?
The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied
 "How very sporting of your mother!"
Comment by Lynne G. on October 13, 2014 at 6:44am
 
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.
 
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
 
The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
                                                
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
 
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
 
With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving,  Fred replied...

... "The balcony."        
   
 
Comment by Lynne G. on October 12, 2014 at 6:51am

Hi Lowell, nice to see you!  Thanks for the laffs.

Comment by Lowell Brandon on October 12, 2014 at 5:24am

 

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