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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 88
Latest Activity: 2 hours ago

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Comment by Lynne G. on October 22, 2014 at 7:05am

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished." 

However, in a linguistic conference, held in London some years ago, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, a Guyanese named Samsundar Balgobin, was the clever winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished." Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand. 

His response was:

When you marry the right woman, you are "complete."

If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished."

And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are "completely finished." 

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

 

 

Comment by Lynne G. on October 22, 2014 at 6:33am

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

Comment by Lynne G. on October 21, 2014 at 4:18pm
Why People Hate To Attend Hi-School Reunions
 
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school.
 
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
 
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace.  She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
 
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel.  After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
 
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.  She too shares the wine.
 
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.  Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.  They have a second home in Phoenix.
 
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon.  Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.  They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
 
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim.  They run a tropical bird park in Kansas and grow their own vegetables.  Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
 
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart.  They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
 
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home.  They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
 Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Comment by Lynne G. on October 21, 2014 at 8:16am
The woman applying for a job in an Okanagan lemon grove seemed to be far too
qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of British
Columbia and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said,
"I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!
I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and  voted Liberal in the past !
Comment by Lynne G. on October 21, 2014 at 8:13am

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't  seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came  upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge, red  tomatoes. 

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your  tomatoes so red?"

 
The  gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden  naked in my trench coat, and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so  much." 

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the  same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for  two weeks, she flashed her garden hoping for the best. 

One day the  gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make  out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" 

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers  are enormous." 

Comment by Lynne G. on October 20, 2014 at 3:22pm
Life just gets better as you get older, doesn’t it? I was in a coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realised that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so, to get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
 
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod.
 
This is what happens when senior citizens use technology!
Comment by Lynne G. on October 18, 2014 at 6:49am
As you know Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher.

A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local café.
​ ​
While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their peppershaker was full of salt.
​ ​
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand?
​ ​
Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
​ ​
They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the peppershaker contains salt and the saltshaker—"

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
Comment by Lynne G. on October 18, 2014 at 6:49am

Greg...looks like where I shop...ha ha   Thanks!

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on October 17, 2014 at 10:44pm

Comment by Lynne G. on October 17, 2014 at 7:09pm

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing.  Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

 "I wasn't!"

 
 

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