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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 90
Latest Activity: 1 hour ago

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Comment by Lynne G. on Friday


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,  wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in.  As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,”Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained,"The egg timer's broken."

Comment by Lynne G. on Friday

HAH!  Thanks Harold...  :-)

Comment by harold yardy on Friday
 The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed
Janie.
Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi
troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.
'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking
."
Comment by Lynne G. on January 22, 2015 at 3:36pm

An old retired worker was celebrating 75 years 
on this earth. 
 
 

He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. 
"How are you? You know, you are 75 today.
Oh the times we've had! Remember how we
 
walked in the park in the summer every 
Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed o n 
the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!" 
 
"Hello, knees.", he continued. "How are you? 
You know you're 75 today.. 
Oh, the times we've had!
Remember when we marched in the parade?
 
Oh, the hurdles we've ju mped together. 
Happy Birthday, knees." 
 
Then, he looked down at his crotch. 
"Hello Willie! You little Prick. 
Just think. If you were alive today, 
. . . . . you'd be 75.

Comment by Lynne G. on January 22, 2015 at 2:09pm

Funnies, guys, thanks!!!   :-)

Comment by Keith on January 22, 2015 at 2:07pm

Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.' 

Comment by Lynne G. on January 22, 2015 at 2:06pm

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at
the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus?"

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee
cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few
seconds. Then he blushed.

And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while,
she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my
hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on
her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the
girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, 'my
thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.' "Really?" said the lass
in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"

Comment by Keith on January 22, 2015 at 2:04pm

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

Comment by GREGORY A HEENAN on January 21, 2015 at 4:21pm

Let me tell you... when you have kids, you find out so many interesting things, such as...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old kid can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25. 80% of men who read this and try the brake fluid and clorox mix.....(but, boys, it's toxic, so wear a mask)

Comment by Lynne G. on January 21, 2015 at 6:52am

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats  and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? 
Johnny: Seven, Sir. 
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2  cats and another 2, how many will you have? 
Johnny: Seven, Sir. 
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have? 
Johnny:  Six. 
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,  how many would you have? 
Johnny:  Seven!!! SIR! 
A very  angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!? 
A  very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fuc#in' cat!!!

 

 

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Community Activity

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