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THE NEW LAUGH OUT LOUD

Tell us your favourite joke and funny experience. This is a feel-good group. All downers will be deleted.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

 

WARNING!!! May contain nuts.

Members: 91
Latest Activity: 2 hours ago

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Comment by Lynne G. on August 21, 2015 at 8:05am

Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?
 
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually. 
Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap. 
 
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
 
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit
so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!
 
Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
 
Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
 
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good! 
 
         
 Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it. 
How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? 
 
QWill  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
 
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. 
 
Q:  Is chocolate bad for me? 
 
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!
 
Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? 
 
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
 
Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? 
 
A:  Hey!  'Round' is shape! 
 
 
 

Comment by Lynne G. on August 21, 2015 at 8:02am

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.. 
 
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 
 
 
 
CONCLUSION:
 Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

 

Comment by Lynne G. on August 20, 2015 at 12:35pm

Tillie - Maude -  Gertrude
These three old ladies and their dogs were 
Sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when 
A flasher approached from across the park. 
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood 
Right in front of them and opened his trench coat. 
Gertrude immediately had a stroke. 
Then Maude also had a stroke. 
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

 

Comment by Lynne G. on August 19, 2015 at 6:40pm

 Newfies are a lot smarter than we give them credit for...I
think!
 
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a
Twillingate, NFLD man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP
officers.
 
"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your
wife," said one of the officers.
 
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.
 
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to
hear first?"
 
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
 
The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning
we found your wife's body in the bay."
 
"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn.
 
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
 
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best
looking Atlantic Lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her.
Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are
entitled to a share in the catch."
 
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's
the great news?"
 
The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow." =-O 
Comment by Lynne G. on August 18, 2015 at 4:44pm

This is what happens when your child is exposed to too many commercials on TV. A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.
During the sermon, he asked... the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection,
a little boy raised his hand........
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue

Comment by Lynne G. on August 18, 2015 at 8:48am

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle:

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:

"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "happiness!'"

 

Comment by Yvonne F. on August 17, 2015 at 9:39pm

Lynne ... LOL walking good laughs ... thanks

Comment by Lynne G. on August 17, 2015 at 6:37pm

 Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise,' I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good, doesn't he?'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years - just getting over the hill.

You could run this over to your friends, but why not just 

e-mail it to them!

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Comment by Lynne G. on August 17, 2015 at 6:32pm

Come to think of it, neither was I...ha ha ha...too late to worry about it, eh?  HAH!

Have a nice evening!

Comment by Keith on August 17, 2015 at 6:30pm

I don't know about you but I was not given a choice.

 

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