I'll never know the feeling of being a father.
My own father tells me, "You ain't missing much!" and limps off to the bathroom.
"By the way, getting old sucks too!"
The old man gave us a scare last week and was rushed to the hospital in another city in a helicopter.
"Cock turds wouldn't fly me back!! And now, I can't eat anything but what's not on this list!"
They did let him bring his shoes and the hospital in the other city has a heart specialist AND a harp player.
"She's pretty too!"
Me and my brother, even to this day, still think our names are 'God Damn It' and 'Jesus Christ'.
When we were kids, Pop and us would play 'Hot Potato!' with a live grenade.
I sure do miss my youngest brother Tim and my sister Caroline.
"They should have been quicker to throw the goddamn grenade! Now we'll have to plan for a funeral! You kids sure are expensive!"
One thing I enjoy in not having children are the expenses.
My friends, all two of them, have young children and man, are they expensive!
"I cut my leg off!" the 7 year old cries as me and her dad try to watch the races on TV.
Off to the doctor we go.
"How much? Jesus H. Christ, next time, I'll just wait for it to grow back!"
School time comes, the kids need new clothes.
"What happened to the ones we bought you last year? GREW OUT OF THEM? Stop growing! Seriously!"
They don't stop growing nor do they stop getting older. Sooner, the little cutey is sixteen and thinks they know everything about everything.
Course, then, you just offer to play with them a quick game of 'Hot Potato' with a live grenade.
I miss my cousin Ralph too.
To all the fathers out there, Happy Father's Day!
Go outside and lob a few grenades at your kids!
No, no, no, I'm kidding, that's not the message we want to end with...
IF YOUR MOM HAS A PEE-PEE, SHE'S YOUR DAD!!