A Year to Live - Reviewing my Life
It
is said that when facing a death many people see their life flash
before their eyes. I decided not to wait to the end. Rather than a
flash it was more of a feature film played out on the big screen of my
imagination. I relaxed and let my mind float from one memory to
another. I was felt such deep appreciation for the wonderful people in
my life, the chance to live in three great cities and one amazing small
village, have a career full of challenging, meaningful work that
excited me, and the many experiences of love I've had. I was so
grateful, feeling deeply how great my life really has been, how rich
and full, and truly satisfying.
The experience held some surprises for me. People I hadn't spoken to or thought about in years
came to mind. After meditating on it all, I wrote down the memories. I
found myself compelled to reach out and find some of the people from my
past. It was wonderful to express my gratitude for the joy of knowing
them at some point in my life. In a few situations there was a voice
inside my brain that tried to stop me, and I'll tell you why.
During my late teens and early twenties I was very involved in a church. The
beliefs, activities and community of the church were all consuming for
me. At 21 I realized that I had lost myself during those years. I had
joined the church after a deeply personal spiritual experience that I
could only define as God. Overwhelmed by this touch of grace and
wanting to know more, I was lead to this church. I parroted the
churches teachings without checking inside myself. I gave up many
things I loved so that I would fit in. Eventually, I no longer knew who
I really was, and I didn't like many aspects of who I had become. I
felt that the only way to get to know myself was to pull away from the
church. A clean break was needed so I could do some soul searching and
exploration to learn what was true for me. Separating from the church I
also cut myself off from the community, which included a few very close
friends. It was the loneliest time of my life, but I felt a need to
endure this dark period to reap the rewards of much needed self
discovery. For years following I was a seeker. It's much more
"comfortable" to be sure than to seek, but seeking was what I needed to
do.
Over the years I have thought about a few friends from this church, wondering where life has lead them. I had impulses to reach out
and find them, but pangs of guilt and shame stopped me every time. I
had turned my back on their beliefs and their friendship. Why would
they ever welcome me back? And if they did, would our relationship be
riddled with attempts to convert me. I didn't feel strong enough to
face all that reconnecting might entail, until I was faced with A YEAR
TO LIVE.
During my life review I remembered these friends who had once been so dear to me. I knew that I would regret reaching the
end of my life without telling them how much I loved them, how much
their friendship had meant to me, and sharing with them who I have
become.
Thanks to the internet I found them easily. I shared with them where my life had taken me, what I'd learned about myself and
what I believe and no longer believe at this stage of my life. I didn't
know how they would respond, and I realized as I wrote to them that
their response was not the point. My expression of love, gratitude and
truth-telling was.
Then I got an email that was a far bigger blessing than I could have imagined from one friend, "I can't tell you
in words small or great, just how wonderful it is to be in contact with
you again," he wrote. "If I drew a time line of my life, and gave it
different tones and colors according to my reflections of my time, your
space would definitely be bright." I was moved to tears.
I'm sharing this with you to encourage you to act before it's too late. It
would be a shame to get to the end of your life and know that you had
impulses to reach out and connect with loved-ones from your past and
didn't do it. If you never take the chance you'll never get the reward.
is said that when facing a death many people see their life flash
before their eyes. I decided not to wait to the end. Rather than a
flash it was more of a feature film played out on the big screen of my
imagination. I relaxed and let my mind float from one memory to
another. I was felt such deep appreciation for the wonderful people in
my life, the chance to live in three great cities and one amazing small
village, have a career full of challenging, meaningful work that
excited me, and the many experiences of love I've had. I was so
grateful, feeling deeply how great my life really has been, how rich
and full, and truly satisfying.
The experience held some surprises for me. People I hadn't spoken to or thought about in years
came to mind. After meditating on it all, I wrote down the memories. I
found myself compelled to reach out and find some of the people from my
past. It was wonderful to express my gratitude for the joy of knowing
them at some point in my life. In a few situations there was a voice
inside my brain that tried to stop me, and I'll tell you why.
During my late teens and early twenties I was very involved in a church. The
beliefs, activities and community of the church were all consuming for
me. At 21 I realized that I had lost myself during those years. I had
joined the church after a deeply personal spiritual experience that I
could only define as God. Overwhelmed by this touch of grace and
wanting to know more, I was lead to this church. I parroted the
churches teachings without checking inside myself. I gave up many
things I loved so that I would fit in. Eventually, I no longer knew who
I really was, and I didn't like many aspects of who I had become. I
felt that the only way to get to know myself was to pull away from the
church. A clean break was needed so I could do some soul searching and
exploration to learn what was true for me. Separating from the church I
also cut myself off from the community, which included a few very close
friends. It was the loneliest time of my life, but I felt a need to
endure this dark period to reap the rewards of much needed self
discovery. For years following I was a seeker. It's much more
"comfortable" to be sure than to seek, but seeking was what I needed to
do.
Over the years I have thought about a few friends from this church, wondering where life has lead them. I had impulses to reach out
and find them, but pangs of guilt and shame stopped me every time. I
had turned my back on their beliefs and their friendship. Why would
they ever welcome me back? And if they did, would our relationship be
riddled with attempts to convert me. I didn't feel strong enough to
face all that reconnecting might entail, until I was faced with A YEAR
TO LIVE.
During my life review I remembered these friends who had once been so dear to me. I knew that I would regret reaching the
end of my life without telling them how much I loved them, how much
their friendship had meant to me, and sharing with them who I have
become.
Thanks to the internet I found them easily. I shared with them where my life had taken me, what I'd learned about myself and
what I believe and no longer believe at this stage of my life. I didn't
know how they would respond, and I realized as I wrote to them that
their response was not the point. My expression of love, gratitude and
truth-telling was.
Then I got an email that was a far bigger blessing than I could have imagined from one friend, "I can't tell you
in words small or great, just how wonderful it is to be in contact with
you again," he wrote. "If I drew a time line of my life, and gave it
different tones and colors according to my reflections of my time, your
space would definitely be bright." I was moved to tears.
I'm sharing this with you to encourage you to act before it's too late. It
would be a shame to get to the end of your life and know that you had
impulses to reach out and connect with loved-ones from your past and
didn't do it. If you never take the chance you'll never get the reward.
Comment
-
Comment by debra joy on April 8, 2010 at 1:40am -
Deirdre. Isnt it wonderful that you do that. Even if years have gone by and much has changed, it's so nice to reconnect.
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Comment by Deidre Lazar on April 7, 2010 at 2:23pm -
I really loved reading this blog. I have reached out to old friends as well, not because of any ill health on my part but because when I think of them, I find myself smiling.Thank you.
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Comment by debra joy on March 31, 2010 at 10:06am
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Dear Michele and Ingrid. Thanks so much for your very kind words. I really appreciate your comments. It makes me feel so good that it touched you in some way. Writing a blog can feel somewhat narcissistic. I'm glad it had a positive effect. Love Debra
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Comment by Michele Menard F on March 31, 2010 at 10:02am
-
This has touched me in ways you cannot imagine. Thank You.
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Comment by Ingrid on March 31, 2010 at 9:16am -
Debra, I really enjoyed your blog and am very interested in the "A Year to Live"... will be very interesting to read another blog by you on this at the end of that year!!!
Your blog really makes me think!!
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Comment by debra joy on March 9, 2010 at 9:54pm
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Paulette. Thanks so much for your kind words. Yes, it's been so wonderful to reconnect and feel the love that goes deeper than dogmas, beliefs, and opinions. Be well.
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