Blah, Blah, Blah My Beef:
There is just to danged much seriousness going around in this country and our northern neighbors. I don't have a problem with serious thinking here, I am talking about gratuitous serious, self-important behavior.
Given dictatorial power (as supreme dictator of North America), I would take immediate action to rid our great nations of this annoying menace of overstuffed and phlegmatic self-importance.
I would install the following five-point program on the first day of my administration;
(1) All students in public and private schools will be required to learn to juggle and play a musical instrument or sing in a school choir. When a student attains a reasonable level of mastery, he or she will be required to take up an unrelated instrument or juggling prop. All students will be required to play at least one instrument badly at all times. Total spazzes will be required to balance peacock featers on their fingers at all times.
(2) All adults determined to be disturbingly humorless will be sentenced to two hours busking on a busy street corner. They will be required to play the last instrument they studied at school. The clown police will be responsible for enforcement.
(3) Second offenders will be required to appear as street corner juggling buskers. The clown police will hand out pies to passers by, you can probably figure out the rest.
(4) All citizens will be required to change their underwear at least daily. They will be required to wear their underwear on the outside so the authorities can check. (Thanks to Madonna Louise Ciccone and Woody Allen for this one).
(5) There is no number 5.
I've already recruited the clown police, here's an example of their work.
Yeah, my loyal opposition accuses me of being soft on illegal aliens.
I'll get catapulted into office with an unprecedented youth vote. My special youth outreach operatives have been at work for years.
Obama's lame Harold & Kumar can't hold a candle to these guys.
Okay, North Americans, now you know the score. Shape up! Don't make me send in the clowns!
That's right, feel free to laugh at my plan. Yes, I suggest you laugh while it's still voluntary