How long has it been since Lost star Horace Goodspeed/Doug Hutchison, 51, married the child-bride that has not even reached the age of 18 yet?

Six months?

Has it been really been a whole year?

Doug: Was there a shortage of women your own age? Did every female on the planet go for a long lunch that day?

Quick back story:

The Green Mile star Doug Hutchison meets Stodden online through a close friend and they begin to correspond about the trials and tribulations of the entertainment business before love hits them over the head. The actor then marries alleged 16-year-old Courtney Stodden, who has no High School Diploma but packs quite the pair of silicone numbers. The public screams outrage but no one really does anything about it. Stodden's parents adore her new husband and smart-mum Krista gives written consent so her 16-year-old daughter could legally wed in Vegas.

Sometimes I look at her in badly lighted photos and she appears a lot older, but who cares - it is the teen vixen with the dirty old man that peeves me off the most. I don't know about you but every time I look at this girl I suddenly feel like I have been violated. Each time she sneezes there is a full-blown parade with clowns and marching bands online to cover it.

Courtney makes cookies with Mum and it is suddenly a sudden YouTube hit. Isn't Tollhouse even slightly offended when she mocks the history of baking cookies and replaces the finished product with store-bought ones? But if Paris Hilton can do it with a sex video then Stoddard can too and between the both of them I feel there a trailer park somewhere missing a couple of garden hoes. One of my old friends used to joke about girls like that and say one should always make sure you have no open cuts when approaching gals like that.

What exactly has she done to merit this kind of shallow fame?

Let's take the pumpkin patch incident. Last October young Stoddard was kicked out of a family pumpkin patch and seemed to be shocked. She immediately went to Twitter and posted:

Have a beautifully blessed Sunday! :) "Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24

Excuse me?

When it takes four to five hours to get ready to go to a pumpkin patch and you shoot light porn amongst the gourds with your older hubby clearly you were there to generate some publicity, not to pick a pumpkin. Honestly, I would have kicked you out of that patch myself and if you're quotin' the Bible I do believe the good book says to cover your lady parts out in public or something to that effect. But Peter Piper Pumpkin should have kept his young wife at home and the only people that should have to watch this are the degenerates willing to pay for it. 

But remember- she loves Jeezussss!

Is she really 17 is my next question. Stodden looks so much older and where's the birth certificate protest? Maybe these birthers should stop harassing Obama and look up this gal.

Everything seems geared lately to an appeal to the lowest common denominator of our culture. Some would say us older women are jealous and they might be right. Okay, they probably are. Personally, it just rubs me the wrong way and this whole thing smells of fakery, as seen in their latest YouTube video - My Foot Hurts!

Any woman over and even under the age of 18 would know that jumping up and down in stiletto heels might give you a bit of a foot problem. The simple solution is to remove your shoes and maybe wear some flats for a few days. This should never be the subject of car-crash TV and it's just common knowledge! Right now my left eye is swollen up with allergies and the closest thing I resemble is Quasimodo, but you will not find the paparazzi here documenting it!

Of course maybe I can lay down on the floor and take a photo of my eye to enter in Stodden's weekly Twitter request for photos for Floor Flash Friday. Stodden wants you to submit how hot you look lying on the floor and I figure the red eye might just stand out. Class and decorum within reasonable limits can be hot you know!

All photos from Google except the one of my swollen - red- itchy eye.

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