Today I am not going to vent about puppy pads for dog potty training, but more or less have a literary fit about the new:
"I'm too lazy to bring my dog outside, so I’ll just buy this rug of fake grass and put it in a corner of a room in my home while I sit and do nothing about training my dog to go outside.” pad.
That's the one I'm talking about Willis!
The most popular version of the indoor poop and go mat is called The Porch Potty.
This company boasts they have the most competitive prices and each mat has a built in drain which actually empties while you sleep, I wonder if this might be a Chia Pet for dogs as they state that the mat will actually grow real grass.
The cost for the Porch Potty is about $280.00 and picking up the poop yourself is not included in the price.
If you watch the Porch Potty video the man completes his sale pitch with:
“And all we need is something to aim at.”
Right- I predict either the side of an indoor wall or dinner guests.
Then we have The Potty Patch
Their best pitch is "no more waiting for elevators with a desperate dog". If you look at it carefully it is nothing more than a couple of outdoor rubber mats thrown together with a topping of astro turf.. For only $39.99 they will upgrade your order for free.
Upgrade to what?
Are they going to toss someone in to help pour out the liquid at the end of the day from that mat as they advertise?
There is no doubt however that they are on to something and dogs are indeed attracted to mats as documented in my personal diary.
My brand new outside hall-door rug is Wedgewood Blue and it is bristly in touch, almost like the back of a porcupine. In the center of this luxurious rug that everyone hates but me is a delicate white snowflake. The best part of this rug is that I had bought it the day after Christmas at Target for 90 % off. I cherish this rug much like a rare antique from Soethby's and opened the door several times today to gaze at my precious find.
When Steve opened the door this morning I heard him yell really loudly,
"What the hell?"
"You need to come here and see this quickly!"
Dear readers, there was no need to run, no need to even think. I could immediately smell what was on that mat from years of being a dog owner. As I walked to the front door in slow motion my nostrils filled with a scent so putrid that I immediately threw on the exhaust fan on my way over. Sitting there in the centre of my pride and joy was a steaming pile of poop the size of Metropolitan Cleveland.
Who and what created this perfect masterpiece that was sitting there on top of the delicate snowflake? Did this animal not share my thoughts on this rug of beauty? Yes, the rug had no where to go now but the dumpster. This building is full of artists and film editors and I assumed the culprit had to belong to one of them. I mean, there was no way I or they could have sculpted something so perfect.
Steve threw the rug out out, secretly thanking the dog who did it. The smell fading and the floor now bare in front of my door I thought of how great most of the animals in this building are. They were just as unique as their owners, so which one took the liberty of snowing on my snowflake?
Ten minutes later I saw HIM in the hall running without a care. An unknown visiting dog with a punk rock hoodie wrapped around his neck. His collar jingling, he stops dead in his tracks when he sees me. We both speak silently with our eyes locked and I suddenly find myself filled with immediate loud vocabulary. The dog now has down trodden eyes, and sucks himself as close to the far wall as he passes by me.
I look at him as he walks with apprehension down the hall and scream ,
"You little ^&*&$% !!!! Don't do that again!"
Not wanting to have yet another a broken heart over a door mat I find something suitable at a second hand shop. Costing more than my Target special it is plain and brown and obscure.
THE DOG - DAY 751
My captors continue to torment me with bizarre rubber squeek toys. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape...that and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of furniture.
I fear I may be going insane!
Yes, I think to myself, this rug will last a lifetime. It has no colour, nor smell or feel of the outdoors. It is a rug that does not tease or beckon anything on four legs. It is fool proof.
Steve, yet again is marching another rug to the dumpster. The fool proof mat has met its match and it is soaking wet and wreaks of ammonia. Once again the bladder and bowels of some unknown creature has hit the mark and I no longer care.
I put out the $2.99 Ikea green and black stripe door mat found on page 39 of the catalog. I consider putting a "No Dumping" sign by my door. Alas, what good would that do as I fear I too I may be going insane.
As Corey Ford once said,
"We humans cannot think like dogs. There exists a sharp difference in the mental capacity of humans and canines. For example, a human who is given an intricate problem will spend all day trying to solve it, but a canine will have the sense to give up and do something else instead."
So from now on I am thinking like a dog and will now have the common sense to do something else instead.
Like maybe give up on the mats!
Dedicated to Catherine Forsythe
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