The cookies are out there in the trash can on the curb waiting to be picked up by the big blue garbage truck.   I put them out there this morning and I can't stop thinking about them.  After the Mothers' Day weekend I went directly to the little store at the bottom of the hill where my mother lives to buy a treat as payback for all I had given to her in the last two days.  Treat?  
   I pulled up to the store at the exact time as Ronnie.  He lives with his mother down the street from my mom.  I guessed that he was buying booze there and he certainly does deserve that too.  His mother just broke her hip but she is up and around again.  My mother has survived so many things that could have killed her that I know it is some sort of karma that she is still in this world.  There is a lesson to be learned here.  Now what is it?
   When I decided on the cookies out of all the other rewards in the store I realized they were so cheap I could afford to buy two packages.  One macaroon and the other oatmeal.  I ripped into the packages as soon as I got into the car and one was half gone by the time I drove up to my house about thirty minutes away. Crunchy and sweet they were just what I needed.  I took the rest of them into the house and put them into a drawer.  By that evening there were a few left and I felt sick.  I took my blood pressure and it was 189/63.  This is a new toy that we have and I think it will be useful to find out how much of a "treat" things really are.
     I was also in a bad mood.  Sweets are a high that you pay for with a low.  I grumped around and took cookies from the drawer.  The first thing in the morning I was in the drawer and having some cookies.  I thought how nice they would be dunked in a cup of tea but I was too lazy for that.  I just wanted the cookies, never mind nice.  Like an addict taking a hit in an alley there was nothing delicate about my relationship to these cookies. 
     Still slightly nauseous, worried about the blood pressure and feeling disgusted with myself I took my blood pressure again.  154/something.   I really can't keep the numbers in my head and I don't want to.  I dislike and distrust data just like I distrust almost anything in this world.  I rebel against any form of control.  Self control is at the top of my list.  It is such an evil web.  I rebel against the control my mother tried to wield over me as I was growing up.  I resist any diet that promises to release me from the control of sweet food.  And I don't want to take control myself because I distrust even myself.  It is a wallowing in ambiuity and it is pathetic.
    So I threw the rest of the cookies in the trash and now they are out there just outside my window.  I have heard that a tip for food addicts is to spray the food they are trying to resist with WD40 but I didn't do that.  I heard a terrible story about Karen Carpenter who died of anorexic complications and she wrote about taking food from the garbage can.  I know it would be possible to go out to the curb and tip that big can over and get that black plastic bag out of there and eat those cookies.  I could do that.  I could easily do that.  But I won't.  I'm writing instead and waiting for the garbage man. 
 
   
     Isn't it a terrible way to live?   No one can imagine what it is like unless you have been a food addict all your life.  Addiction of any kind is not about what you are addicted to.  It is about control issues.  I like that idea but I can't quite pin it down.  I rebel against control and therefore I cannot control even myself.  I get a thrill and release from eating something that is destructive.  I think it is fun.  Like someone cutting themself with a small razor.  It is a private, very intense act of control.  The chaos that swirls around you and the lack of love and attention manifests in a moment of clarity when you take a substance and use it in a destructive way.  Small suicides. 
   My blood pressure is 172/91.  Mildly elevated.  I think I'm going to enjoy this blood pressure machine but I still maintain it is your spirit that needs the attention more than your body.  First you must start with your energy level and karmic charisma.  What has your life led you to?  Why are you here in this moment doing what you are doing?  What is your path?  Taking a deep breath and moving into the next moment as yourself how you got to this situation.  There doesn't need to be any change needed at this exact moment.  When I am faced with a decision I can usually decide quickly.  Those two packages of cookies just jumped into my arms.  It was not a choice and there will be a next time.  But right now I'm fine and that is where I deserve to be.  We all deserve a good life and health.  Then why the destruction?  Why the suffering?

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Comment by Christine Geery on June 29, 2011 at 5:33pm
I have been there so many times. Eating something and feeling so guilty about it the whole time.
Comment by Toritto on June 28, 2011 at 2:58pm

Hmmmmm..........Cooookkkkiiiieeeessss!

 

:-)

Comment by Susie Lindau on June 28, 2011 at 2:55pm

Food is the worst addiction because you need to eat. An alcoholic can give up booze and survive same as a drug addict. You will always have to face food and fight the compulsion. 

Good for you throwing the remaining cookies in the trash!!!

Comment by Linda Seccaspina on June 28, 2011 at 1:04pm
I know longer keep cookies.. I knew what Diary was going to say.. I am just so glad to see you here.
Comment by Diary of a Food Addict on June 28, 2011 at 12:56pm
Hey Z..Found you! I have pulled food out of trash cans many times as well .I spray mine with 409 if there is a bad food I have eaten and it's in my trash.Give yourself a chance with the food thing .Be kind to yourself.You are beautiful and kind and deserve more then to be held hostage to food .I can so relate to your food journey .xoxo
Comment by Kimberly on June 28, 2011 at 12:18pm
Perhaps there is such pressure from everywhere to control everything in our life that food becomes one indulgence we have contorl over instead of work, or relatives, etc...  I think almost anything is good in moderation.  You raise very good points surrounding food and eating here. 

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