The beginning...of the end
July 17 2010
I tried at once to clear my head. A nurse stood over me "Don't try to talk you have a tube down your throat"
"It's okay" she whispered.
Not so much! This is certainly NOT okay. As I came out of the thick pea soup fog, I started to remember. I turned around to go back into the warm blanket comfort of that fog, but, alas it was gone.
Ms. Lindsey, I am Doctor Brighten" The name is obviously a misnomer. "Ms. Lindsey, do you know where you are?"
Well this pretty much better be a hospital. This doesn’t feel like a cruise ship and I did not sign up for a respirator excursion.
The doctor reached down "Cough for me Ms. Lindsey". I did as he said. He pulled out my larynx.
"I " "can't" "breath"
"Well your breathing now." he said in an irritating tone. Oh forgive me doctor, or is it God, whatever was I thinking, you gave me breath, didn't you?
"Do you know why you are here Ms.Lindsey?"
I stared at him with nothing but contempt. Yes I knew why I was here, it all came flooding back to me. I took a bottle of clonazepan. And there is an entire medical industry banking in it.
"Where is Willie?"
"That person who phone you in?"
Oh my God. The absolute most terrifying thing had happened. We had discussed this at length. If either of us were in the hospital with a machine giving us life, the other one would stay. Keep vigil. Communicate by writing. Willie wasn't here.
The Doctor said Willie never came. I was in there for 5 days. Alone.
Just yesterday, it seemed like just yesterday, my life was as close to perfect as it could be. Willie and I had gone to our favorite restaurant to celebrate my birthday and our 14th anniversary. And now, Willie is at work. And I had tried to do myself in. Not out of some deep dark depression, but because I had no choice. The alternative was too awfull to think about. I fell off to sleep again.
The Doctor said I had been in there 5 days. The first day I was in a coma. I'd always wanted to know what goes on in a person's head when they are in a coma. For three days all I heard were steps. And more steps.
How could you be with someone for 14 years, totally and completely in love one day, and the next be completely alone, deserted? What had I done to deserve this?
We were to be married. Willie had been hounding me for years...but not as of late.
This was a loaded question and it did not matter what my answer would be. In his eyes I was looking for attention. I was a coward.
If I threw myself in front of a car to save someone else would they call me a coward?
If I had cancer and took medications that had a higher risk than cancer, would I be a coward?
If I walk the public streets of Houston with a Pro-Gay Tshirt, am I a coward?
If I were in WW2 and being a German, chose to live my life with a Jew, would I be a coward?
If I went to Bagdad with an army uniform and an UZI knowing certain death was around the corner, would I be a coward?
I am not trying to diminish what the brave souls of our country are doing for our rights. But they fight for my right to not live a painful existence. Or betraying my fellow human beings labeled Germans and Jew,they were far more brave than I could ever be.
And then of course there's my mother. (which requires a whole blog unto itself)
Then on July 16, after I was given the news from Willie. I was destroyed.
And now I am in the hospital with an uncertain future.
Please Note: You may see comments from disgruntled family members, i.e.. I refuse to comment publicly against my children. I will, in no way, contradict nor substantiate these posts. I will not delete them as they will only serve to validate