I'm not sure if I would drink the water... yet, but last year I met a woman from Sugarland, Texas, who, if given the opportunity, would have chugged from the Fountain of Youth. I met her at a Super Bowl Party that my brother, Steve and sister-in-law Shelley (My partner in crime) took John and I to.
Not going to lie, I'd already consumed a few glasses of wine before I struck up a conversation. John says it was more like a vat of wine. He exaggerates.
I'm on the left, Shelley is on the right.
Hostess: More Wine?
Me: Thank you. Cheers. So, let me get this straight. You have a level 5 black belt in karate, manage your own Dojo, have two kids in their twenties, say you're just over fifty, but don't look a day over forty. I'm the same age, but my eyebrows are falling out, I have wrinkles here, here and here, along with sun damage. What's your secret?
Hostess's friend: To start off I've had my eyebrows tattooed.
Not really her. That would have been rude.
Me: You're kidding me? Didn't know you could do that. Mind if I get a little closer and look? Well, I'll be damned, so they are. I'll just touch them. Hmmm... that's amazing. Hey. Your eye liner is perfect too.
Joyce: Also tattooed.
Shelley: No S@#$!!!!!!! While I'm up close and personal, anything else you want to share? What about your forehead? Not one wrinkle.
Hostess: More wine?
Me: Wine not? Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Cheers! Try frowning. Nope. Nothing. Smooth as a baby's bottom. Look Shelley.
Hostess's friend: Botox. But shhhhhhhh...
Me: Of course. Of course. Sorry. And no lines around your eyes because?
Hostess's friend: Also Botox.
Me: Man.That S@#t is amazing. Freakin' unbelievable! And your lips? Don't tell me. Botox?
Hostess's friend: Correct. Notice anything else about them?
Me: Aside from the fact that your lipstick's perfect? WTF???? No way. They're tattooed too?
Example of tattooed lips.
I know! I was surprised Sarah had this done too.
Hostess: More wine?
Me: FILL 'ER UP!!!! CHEERS!!!!!! No way. What if you want to change your lipstick colour?
Hostess's friend: Just apply it over the top. Hey, what are you doing? Stop rubbing my lips!!! What the... ?
Me: Just checking, in case you're trying to pull one over on me. Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hey, want to be in a Crack Gang? I'm going to start one. Shelley and I are the first members. I'm the leader because I thought of it.
Hostess's friend: Uhhh....
Me: But you have to show the crack of your bum first. Right Shelley?
Shelley: That's right.
Me: It's because I forgot my belt tonight. Get it? OH! HA! HA! HA! Stand up. STAND UP!!!! There you go.
Hostess's friend: Uhhh.....
Me: Once you show your crack, you're in. Got any more wine? We'll need to toast the new member.
Me: Never mind. HIAYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Not really me. That's silly. No one can kick that high.
Hostess and Hostess's friend:...
Me: SHELLLEYYYYY!!!!!!! Did you see where I kicked her? Right in the... OH! HA! HA! HA! She never even made an attempt to block my Kung Fu Kick. Didn't even twitch. What is up with that???? OH! HA! HA! HA!
Shelley: She's sober. Time to go.
Me: Good call. We're sooooo out of here. What a fake. Just like the rest of her.
Shelley and John
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