We feel pain and terrible confusion and do not have the luxury of being able to find anyone who will share their experiences with this. Those of us with these afflictions don't feel like sharing our troubles with similar species. We would rather have those individual's to share this pain with that could come up with a new understanding of the whole thing but then that can be a lot of work, a lot of pressure and thinking, it's easier to just curl up in the corner and sleep away the dream of the day.
The need, the absolute desire is that there is no light, no sound, no stimulation. All is darkness and silence.
Oh but the cute little girls who like to watch the old man exercise have a different idea. They want to have their time, their allotted moment so that the government and insurance companies and drug companies and corporations are given their money and everybody is happy except for me. My entire life is based upon a fifteen minute assessment if I cooperate with everything that these are offering, everything that "they have decided" is what is best for me.
I was skydiving in complete darkness, skydiving without a chute.
Yea yea, I feel disconnected and reflective, I mean don't tell me you don’t understand, oh wait, I guess it would be difficult to get a head around this thinking unless you were sitting here with me and frankly I wouldn't wish that on most of my acquaintances.
Let's get real here though. For some, including me, it takes this kind of twist in the logic to get the participant back on the path of enlightenment, to finally be on the road to consciousness and to understand consciousness for it's completeness.
"The girls" stopped over yesterday and we had a business meeting at the nursing home. Bird couldn't make it because frankly she is busy making me money.
Our meeting consisted of what to do with the trouble makers which were not the people that I thought would be trouble makers but then I guess that is why I have brought the "girls" on board is to help me see where there are issues, issues which I don't want to deal with and which they are grand at dealing with."
Obviously these are vendors that are pushing their luck with me and are close to me throwing them out.
Of course the irony of this all is that Bethany, Beth and Daniel are old timers who created problems for Rat tail Joe, the Angry German and now me. They are like a flea market virus that goes form shop to shop creating sheer terror and havoc till there is nothing left to destroy. Hopefully I have found the antibiotic against their sickness and deviance.
See, most of the individual's that don’t' fit into one market will find that they do fit in with the personality of another market and this just makes for a greater shopping experience for the customer and a grander enjoyment for the vendor even if in some cases the enjoyment is the misery that loves company.
The greatest danger however is that we begin saturating the market itself with too many flea markets in a smaller area. the only thing that makes it possible for these businesses' to stay in business is that they have something unique about them that makes it work. Mack has his army navy stuff and I have the new age meta-physical artistic avenues mingled in with the gentle person's flea market and the slightly psychotic "Prepper" gun-toting goofballs.
I obviously feel a slight disconnection with the market only showing up once day a week where I used to spend every waking hour. Bird and the girls keep me connected.
Up... interruption... One of the realities of long term care in a nursing home is that in discriminant interruptions happen all the time, all day and all night.
Every day the little girls show up and take me to physical therapy and are always slightly amazed at the fact that I have relatively good reflexes for a broken older man with one eye and I am always acutely amazed at just how broken I can feel sometimes during and after these exercises.
When I was in high school I became obsessed with lifting weights and was even in training for Olympic leg lifting. Rebellion, drugs and a sincere desire for sex left all of that behind and frankly I don't regret it all that much.
My life, my consciousness how it has all changed.
I desperately want to heal, to become healthier and every time one of the flea market dance team sees me or my family, especially Sunflower and Brother Paul they are amazed at how different I look; happier and healthier.
It would be nice to see mom; to see Brother Paul and Brother Thad.
I want to make it to the other side damnit. I want to know that I made it to that enlightened state. I want to be bathed in consciousness and I am one with the all.
I want to be happy eternally. Eternally at peace.
One of the nurses just came in to hook me up to the IV antibiotics and we started talking about well, about my life, my flea market and the reality of where I am sitting this very minute. I need to thank this young woman for her unbelievable honesty. she didn't mince words. she said, "Yea well it's been an unbelievable change this time with the dialysis and all. Things will definitely ever be the same. This is your life now and you will get better but you will never fully recover."
Welcome to my world.
It's a world of music, dancing, art, color and passion. It's a world of healing and understanding. It's the purest of consciousness. It's life and death all wrapped up in one dream.
Let's go skydiving.