I have serious allergies to cats but it does not stop me reading funny articles about the little furry devils. The other day I came across a funny article called How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You! and I was intrigued. Wondering if it had anything to do with their annoyance with the new fad Crafting with Cats I decided to read further and find out what the tell-tale signs were and of course put my two-cents into it.
He Kneads You Looking for Inner Organ Weakness
Cats treat you the same way they treat others of their species to remind you you are actually part of their group and no one else. In laymans terms he or she is telling others “Mine Bitches!” but when cats stop rubbing up against your legs is when I would start looking for the vacuum cleaner for self-defense.
Manic Shoveling of Kitty Litter in a Feeble Practice Attempt to Bury Human Family Members
A cat that leaves his waste out in the open is sending the message to everyone that he is El Presidente and that we should be covering up our poop, so as not to offend him.
Yes, if you want to take back your house, it's time to poop in kitty's bed.
Staring Contests to See Which One of you is the Weakest
Remember that your cat is nothing but a malevolent sparring partner to keep your evil mind fit and sharp. There is absolutely no explanation why they stare at nothing like Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense and then run for their lives. It just hints of their opinion: "I love you so much I put up with this crap"- simple as that. They do think you are powerless swine, but they want to help you overcome that.
Bringing you a Constant Dead Critter to Show you who is Boss
Cats love murder that can include: (in no order of importance) mice, birds and exposed ankles.
The cat has noticed your appalling lack of hunting skills and inability to catch your own food, and is trying to teach you, as she would one of her own on how to feed yourself. Cats literally are trying to take you under their wing and train you to be the world's greatest assassin or at least advance you to the next level.
In essence they are Hannibal Lectorish little freaks!
Sleeping on your Keyboard in an Attempt to Cut off all Outside Contact
The affection a cat basically shows is what is called cupboard love.Cats are the secret rulers of the world and never forget that cats, dogs, and most other animals don't think from a human perspective. Damn you, Disney!
Sleeping on your Head in an Attempt at Suffocation
When a cat brushes against your legs, it's less of a furry hug and more of a prison yard tattoo. One that reads, "Owned By: Snooky" !
Suddenly Galloping Around at the Speed of Light is a Legitimate Failed Ambush
Following you around 24 hours day is nothing but a plot to snuff you out. After all; cats are the secret rulers of the world and anything that can say "suffering succotash" is nothing but a minion from hell.
Dedicated to my longtime friend Audrey Bromby and her bad kitty Izzie
Now available on Amazon US and Amazon Canada. Canadians please contact me for books to get cheaper shipping.
Or buy the Kindle version now available on the US site.