This morning I received an email from Help Save the BC Black Bears on Facebook. Calgarian Doreen McCrindle has become the human voice for bears that cannot speak for themselves, as she says. She wants Canadian government support for older bears and sows with cubs that may have spent their entire lives relying on humans for food. Instead of putting them to death when caught she wants non-lethal options, like putting the bruins in a zoo or sanctuary.
"Between the oil sands and the Stampede, I think Canada has an embarrassing record for being animal rights activists."
Conservation officer Dave Webster said the bears are being given a chance and it's too early to say how they will fare in relying on regular bear ways to survive.
Those who can't "assimilate in a natural state," finding food in the wilds, especially with winter on its way, will likely be put down, he said.
Today I decided to re-write a parody essay I wrote about a true story that happened in Canada last year. If it gives you a chuckle then take a cyber walk on the wild side over to their Facebook site and say "HI!" I am sure they would greatly appreciate it, and so would "da bears."
The Intervention of the Grow-Op Bears by 90210 - by Linda Seccaspina
On July 30th, Canadian police officers made a routine drug raid in a remote area of British Columbia.
When the Police arrived 13 bears were guarding 2300 marijuana plants. The bears were pretty docile, and listening to the Grateful Dead while munching on blueberries, and chugging Molson Canadian beer.
Daily rations of dog food had been fed to them by the owners of the property, so they were there to stay. They actually welcomed the police with high fives and a traditional "Welcome eh?"
Being Canadian, they were extremely polite, and swore to the Police that none of them had inhaled.
No animals were harmed during the raid that included a pot-bellied pig and a raccoon that was taking a nap in one of the farmhouse's bedrooms. The raccoon told them he was actually guarding the stash on the night table. He too was polite to the officers, and asked one of them,
"Hey man, are you going to eat those Cheetos?"
Upon exiting the farmhouse, the bears were found outside sharing Hostess potatoe chips and playing road hockey. The police were shocked to find a few familiar furry faces among the crowd of bears.
Out of work bears such as: Conan's Masturbating Bear, and Yogi and Boo Boo were trying to hide their faces from the paparazzi that had followed the police.
Boo Boo was crying and told Yogi that he was afraid that the Jellystone National Park Ranger was also going to bust them if he found out. Yogi stood there with a dumb grin on his face and giggled,
"Don't worry Boo Boo. I'm higher than the average bear!"
The Care Bears argued with the officers that they had used only medical marijuana and had a permission note from the local Veterinarian. The police attempted conversations with the bears, insisting they should consider applying to A&E's show "Intervention". The bears looked at the officers in jest and asked them,
"Does a bear smoke pot in the woods?”
In yesterday's issue of "Toke of the Town" Jason Priestley of 90210 fame has vowed to save the BC Marijuana bears. Priestley and his parents have actually donated $1,250 of their own money to the cause.
"It's one thing to have a petition and have a lot of really nice ideas and a warm, fuzzy response", Priestley said. "We kind of figured somebody's got to start putting up the money to either move the bears someplace where they'll be safe or support a place where they'll be safe."
(Quote from Toke of the Town)
When asked if Priestly thought he had a good chance saving the bears he said,
"I'm just a student body president man, I am not Batman." !
- Brandon Walsh 90210
Dorreen McCrindle started a Help Save the BC Bears Facebook page, and through a petition, has drawn hundreds of signatures to help save the bears.
Words by Linda Seccaspina 2010
Image by Canadian Press
Short Shorts by Linda Seccaspina