The Rise and Fall of The King of Burgers; An Advertragedy in Three Acts

Act 1: Meat Salad Days

Long long ago, in what now seems like a more innocent time, The King of Burgers rose to local power in his small Kingdom in the cold, Northern desolation that is the land of Children's' television programming.

In those early days, The King of Burgers was happy with his lot as the ruler of a comfortable but inconsequential Kingdom of cartoons. Despite the occasional storms of falling anvils and ping pong balls, he had a good life.

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The king's appearance in those long lost happy days truly reflected the state of his life up to that time. Here was a fat and happy, yet somewhat lacking in charisma king.

If only The King of Burgers had been able to accept his small and happy place among the world of kings, I could end the story here with a “happily ever after” closing. Alas this was not The King of Burgers' fate.

Act 2: The Marvelous, The Magical, and the Lust For Power

The ring burned through The King of Burgers like a red hot poker of raw ambition.

Like many before him, his will was to use the Marvelous Magic Ring only for the good of his realm's children. With this ring, he could magically produce hamburgers, shakes and fries, much to the delight the few happy and attractive focus-group-tested children he found everywhere in his kingdom.

He took great joy in using the ring's magic. His joy was so great he failed to notice the new characters who came to habituate his court.He did not understand the nature of magic rings. He did not recognize that servants of Evil are drawn to the rings' powers.

Thusly he fell under the thrall of two two poorly chosen friends; Sir Shakealot and the Wizard of Fries. The Wizard was a twisted necromancer who took joy in engineering the downfall of mortals shallow enough to entertain ambitions of greatness. It was small work for the Wizard to enlist Sir Shakealot in his evil plots by manipulating the pathetic knight's well-known addictions.

The King of Burger's realm saw some success in its early imperialist efforts. Victory at little cost and effort only increased The King's lust for power. It was this insatiable thirst for power that led to the King's demise in the Battle of The Hamburger Tree Forest.

The Gobblin host of Clown Prince Ronald routed the King's forces that night. This battle is familiar even to this day to all schoolchildren. The Burger King cowardly used the magical powers of his ring to safely creep away from the forest battle. He ran away in a helpless panic as the tortured sounds of his loyal subjects being torn apart and eaten alive by the Gobblins stripped away what little remained of his sanity. The horrors of that night transformed The King into a new man, but certainly not a better man.

Act 3: The Creepy King

The Burger King was never to regain his throne. He descended into a madness from which he never escaped. To this day, children in lands far and wide cry themselves to sleep, wrenched with the fear that this might be the night when the King's menacing grin shines upon them.


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Comment by Jason Giecek on May 23, 2012 at 4:02am

EEK!! ~flees into the woods~ ~:D



Comment by Steve S on May 21, 2012 at 4:08pm

Sir Shakealot is not my creation. He was part of an actual advertizing campaign.

This is unbelievable.

Comment by Linda Seccaspina on May 21, 2012 at 2:26pm

HUGE HUGE FAN of the creepy King hahaha

This made me laugh.

Well done kinds sir.



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