Schadenfreude News

 

November 30, 2011                       Early Edition                                  50 cents

 

                                       “All the News That Creates a Giggling Fit”

 

                                                             TOP STORIES

 

POLITICS

 

Gingrich Wife: “I Had Affair With Herman Cain”

“So did we,” admit Newt’s two ex-wives

 

Congress Accidentally Eliminates Own Salaries

Typo in 1,500-page bill will save America millions annually

 

Rick Santorum Drops Out of Race Following Bar Scandal

Insists he didn’t know The Horny Pecker had gay clientele 

 

Wisconsin Governor Walker Recalled

Belongings moved from Governor’s mansion by unionized company

 

Rush Limbaugh Admitted to Betty Ford Clinic

Claims he bit Ann Coulter because Oxycontin made him think she was turkey leg

 

NATIONAL

 

Casey Anthony Drowns Off Florida Coast

Nearby children didn’t hear her cries for help

 

Rare Bird Species Creates Nest in Donald Trump’s Hair

Removal would be violation of Endangered Species Act

 

INTERNATIONAL

 

Berlusconi, Strauss-Kahn Dead in Murder-Suicide

After discovering each had pawed the other’s daughter

 

New Miss Universe is From Nigeria

“Why doesn’t Jason Giecek answer my emails?” she wails

 

BUSINESS

 

Fox News Loses Broadcasting License

Evidence of violations gathered when Rupert Murdoch’s phone was hacked

 

Bank CEO Dies After Eating Tainted Caviar

Eaten after speech defending economic inequality

 

New Social Media Website Makes Facebook Worthless

Mark Zuckerberg files for bankruptcy

 

SCIENCE

 

Cutthroat Businessmen Finish First, Study Shows

Report on premature ejaculation published in NEJM

 

SPORTS

 

Penn State Fails to Attract New Football Recruits

Team may have to disband

 

Suck for Luck: Indy Colts Finish 0-16, Clinch #1 Draft Pick

Andrew Luck returning to Stanford for senior year, refuses to play for “crappy team”

 

GOSSIP

 

Ashton Kutcher Loses Penis in Tragic Accident

Demi Moore reportedly dating Ryan Gosling

 

Carrot Top Loses Voice Following Routine Throat Surgery

Comedy clubs offer free admission in celebration

 

11th Letter Mysteriously Disappears From Alphabet

im ardashian decries inability to promote self, family

 

WEATHER

Local forecast: Sunny, mild temperatures, mid 70s

Where your ex lives: Nor'easter expected, high winds and rain, power outages likely 

 

Views: 153

Tags: headlines, news, schadenfreude, writer wednesday

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Comment by Cranky Cuss on December 4, 2011 at 12:22pm

James: What is this OS of which you speak?  I have heard rumors of a magical place where people blog happily, but have seen no proof, only "Internet Explorer can not display the webpage."  I suspect is an urban myth.

Comment by James M. Emmerling on December 4, 2011 at 10:32am

you forgot LOCAL.

 

all news is local these days, they say. i agree. my locality is the Internet.

it is in my head. that's as local as a fellow gets.

 

local news= man on internet in blue shirt named James is

thrown violently off OS , unable to do a damn thing, ironically viewing

art james is somehow getting thru, also ironically seeing kerry l's promise of bigger

faster better, and wishing to write

some kinda thing.

i dunno what kinda thing til OS inspires me to . maybe: vampires. watching true blood now.

season 3. little blonde chick is a fairy! ha

Comment by Matt Paust on December 1, 2011 at 2:45pm

I read somewhere that you had won the schadenfreude cookoff.  I now can see why. Yummm.  I'd say what Cranky said, but he didn't comment here, so I'll say what Steve and Linda said.  Can't think of my own thing to say?  That's a good question.  I'll get back to you.

Comment by Steve S on November 30, 2011 at 12:09pm

Welcome to da Great Northern Smackdown.

"I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me."

Comment by Linda Seccaspina on November 30, 2011 at 9:39am

Well that opened my eyes this morning..:) and laughter

I posted your link in their Challenge blog so they will see it. If you have a chance mayve you can add it.. as sometimes they think I am duplicating mine hahaha

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