Last week the Huffington Post had a small story detailing what products to try if you had not bathed in a few days.  The items they suggested were pricey and none of it made hygienic sense. As a young teenager with a trail of dust following me all the time I would have most definitely tried a few in my quest for a better scent. When there are no parental units around to command the mandatory rituals of cleanliness you become a living walking "ring around the bathtub".

Before my allergy to cats developed we had an orange tabby cat named Snooky. Snooky was named after Snooky Lanson from the 50's TV show "Your Hit Parade".  Snooky just hated being alone and would most certainly let you know it. She would hiss the minute I put on my daily white blouse and navy blue school tunic, knowing full well she was going to be by herself soon.

Being a sloppy kid I used to come home and throw my clothes wherever it suited me. One night I was really careless and left them on the bathroom floor when I went to bed. Snooky, seeing her prey in full view, went over to my clothes and sprayed the hell out of them that night. For the full eight hours that I was sleeping the tunic and blouse lay there saturating in cat urine. I don’t think I need a scratch and sniff card for any of you to know how they smelled when the sun rose that morning.

Being late once again I ran into the bathroom and threw on my school outfit. Nearly keeling over with the horrid stench I tried to clean it with hot water and a towel. I immediately started to panic as if you did not wear your uniform it was an immediate detention. I started to cry and Snooky strolled in and looked me straight in the eyes almost with a grin on her face.

When I got to school (Cowansville High School) I found out that we had a big assembly in the gym that morning. That meant about 200 kids would be getting a whiff of me and the remnants of the urinary tract of the cat if they sat near me. After dusting myself with baking soda and not making any progress other than looking like I had a bad case of dandruff, I figured out the only possible solution.

I sat on the end of a bench at the very back of the gym and immediately discovered something. If I held my breath I could not smell anything so I thought that would mean others would not smell me either.  I am still wondering to this day where that idea came from - no wonder I wasn’t an honour student.

My friends were not coming near me and were talking in hushed tones. The more they whispered the more I held my breath. In the extreme heat people have been known to sweat up to three gallons of sweat in twenty-four hours. So now I was producing a lovely aroma of mixed cat urine and sweat.

I decided to walk to school without a coat that morning hoping I could “air” it out during the twenty minute walk. I had also brought a box of baking soda to dust over me when I got to school. My grandmother made us brush our teeth with it so I had high hopes it might work.

When I say that by the end of the assembly I was sitting alone on that bench I would not be lying. I was completely mortified and did not know how I was going to make it through the morning. When the lunch bell rang I ran home and decided I was not going to be able to make afternoon classes that day due to a stench problem.

When I opened the door there sat the cat grinning at me. She knew what she had done but she had taught me a lesson. Although my bathing time did not increase for the next few years I most certainly never threw my clothes on the floor again.

So yes Huffington Post, sometimes you do need to think outside of the litter box for cleanliness.  But nothing you suggested would have stopped the smell of this feline sneaky leaker. By the way, you should tell your readers you can buy a product called Scoe10x. It takes care of your variety of assorted smells such as pet odor, feces, urine and rotting garbage. 

One can purchase a starter kit for $19.99 or invest in the 5.5 gallon pail for 500 bucks. Some of those things you suggested are in that price range so I’d say this is quite the deal.

Boooyah!!!!!!!!

Linda Seccaspina 2011 formerly Linda Knight.

Bucket by Google Images

Me in Grade 5 thanks to FB and Ville de Cowansville.

I wrote this story awhile ago, but when my hometown Facebook site "Ville de Cowansville" went to the trouble of finding me in the Hylite School Annual; it made my day. So I am dedicating it to you for making me smile.

I am also dedicating it to all my former friends at Cowansville High School in Quebec. Seeing everyone in the old Hylite annual just made me want to come home and hide there forever. Many thanks to Keith Jenne in the back row of the Grade 5 picture. When my father died he came to the wake and my late sister Robin Knight Nutbrown and I were very touched.